10 Things I Learned from 1 of the Best Relationship Experts in the World
Conflict, Sex, Jealousy, Communication
Hey,
I’m just getting back from being on a solo spiritual quest of sorts completely unplugged for over a week. I didn’t have much time to write, so this week I’m sharing a twitter thread I published a couple weeks ago (that happens to be longer than most of my articles 😂).
I hope you enjoy!
I’ve worked with one of the best relationship coaches in the world for 8 years, Annie Lalla.
Here are 10 of the most impactful/effective things I’ve learned from her that have led to me creating a marriage I can genuinely rate a 10/10:
1/ In all healthy relationships there’s one partner that’s more me-centered and one that’s more we-centered
The me-centered person is:
Better at taking care of his or her personal needs
More connected to his or her innate desires
More likely to crave and require more space in life and in conflict (more often)
Comes across as selfish sometimes
The we-centered person is:
More aware of and better at taking care of the needs of the relationship
More willing to do what the other wants to do
More likely to crave and require closeness in life and physical touch in conflict
Comes across as needy sometimes
Me-centered tends to need more space, especially during conflict.
We-centered tends to crave more togetherness, especially during conflict.
Neither is better than the other.
Both stand for sacred polarities of individuality on one side and communion on the other.
By marrying my wife, I “hired” one of the best we-people I’ve ever met to train me to be a better team player, to expand my awareness to the needs of a group vs just my own.
In turn I’ve trained her to connect with her own desires, to pursue her own interests, to meet her own needs.
I wrote a more in-depth article exploring this concept here.
2/ Conflicts are opportunities to learn about the other, not something to be avoided
Building muscle requires you to tear muscle tissue.
The body then signals it to grow back bigger to prevent that same stimulus from tearing it in the future.
Relationships are the same.
Rupture and repair makes us stronger than if the conflict never happened in the first place.
It builds relationship self-esteem - the belief that the relationship can cope.
If you’ve never been through serious shit with your partner and gotten through it, how can you have genuine, earned trust that your relationship can cope with serious shit?
3/ Sometimes in a long-term relationship you have to treat sex like going to the gym
“You don’t always wanna go, but you’re always glad you did once you’re there.”
Rub your body on her body, kiss, flirt, pretend to be into it for just long enough to be into it.
This is no substitute for spontaneous or intentional 5-star gourmet sex , but like many things in life sometimes it’s helpful to do things even if we don’t “feel” like it in the moment.
4/ Good conflict resolution is a set of skills that can be trained
Master self-regulation. Breathe through the discomfort.
If you can give physical touch, give it.
This is the fastest way to calm down the ancient lizard part of our brains.
Seek to understand and then validate their emotions before getting into story and content.
By this point the content is easier to hear and clarify.
Practice mirroring what you hear your partner saying by saying something like “what I’m hearing is…”, then “is that right?”, then “is there more?” until there’s no more.
5/ Trust your partner’s jealousy
A pearl is made when a single parasite or grain of sand enters an oyster’s shell.
It can’t be formed without that.
When there's jealousy, it is almost always the case that there's something going on in your dance with your partner that’s creating it.
At least a single grain of truth in their complaint.
Annie taught me to trust the emotion, not the content or story.
For instance, my wife used to get jealous when I’d text old girlfriends.
Her story was that I was intentionally keeping the door open and liked the validation I got from staying in touch.
That wasn’t true for me, but what was true is that I allowed my exes to send me some things that, in retrospect, may have been attempts to find chinks in my armor.
To test me and see if there was still a way in.
Her feelings of jealousy pointed to a threat to the relationship even if the exact story wasn’t accurate.
Trust the emotion, not the content. Look for the grain of sand.
6/ The first person to lay down their sword, to apologize, to take accountability during conflict, is the HERO.
It’s courageous to do this because your partner may not yet be in a place where they are ready to give up trying to be right and to win.
They may attack or use it against you.
But until one of you can do this, you can’t resolve.
7/ MLK > WTF
Typically when our partners do something or are a certain way that we don’t like we criticize them.
It comes out like WTF!? Stop doing that!
If anyone had an excuse to be WTF!?, it was Martin Luther King.
Instead of complaining he said, “I have a dream!”... and it worked.
Show your partner how they'll become more of who they want to become by stopping doing that thing you don't like.
Annie’s husband Eben Pagan says that people do things for their values, not yours.
Tell them, in terms of their own values, how this makes them a better version of themselves.
At one point my wife wanted me to give her more verbal praise.
Instead of criticizing or making me wrong for not doing it, she said she could envision a version of me that praised her more consistently.
And that she suspected I would be more proud of myself, garner more admiration from others about the type of husband I was, etc.
Game changer for my motivation.
8/ Self-regulation is the most romantic thing in the world
Expecting our partners to regulate and calm us down is expecting them to be our mommies.
It’s not sexy, and it’s not how healthy relationships function.
Learn to breathe through intense emotions and allow them to inhabit your body without needing to act on them.
Practice bringing attention to the physical sensations in your body while suspending or temporarily letting go of the story about the feelings.
This will allow you to bring the intensity down to a level where you have access to your cognition, your human brain, and can listen and speak clearly.
9/ Rate things on a 1-10 scale
I was blown away when I realized my wife didn’t have all of the same preferences as me. 😂
I changed plans last min a couple times early in our relationship and she’d blow up on me.
When plans changed last min with me (at the time) it wasn’t that big of a deal.
It never occurred to me that it would be a big deal to anyone else.
Annie taught us that we each have our own values, preferences, and ways of doing things and suggested we rate things 1-10.
Turned out when I changed plans last minute it was an 8/10 triggering for her.
The next move is to develop more respect for your partner’s values and preferences.
I had to get that it wasn’t silly that she would get upset about last minute changes but that she was standing for something noble - honoring your word.
10/ Search for the grain of truth in every grumble
Our partners are like Michaelangelo carving us into David.
They carve away everything that’s not truly us.
Sometimes they do it with great tact, and sometimes with bitching and complaining.
When your partner is criticizing you, always search for the truth in what they’re saying regardless of the bedside manner.
On the other side, always hone your bedside manner.
This doesn’t mean allow them to be mean or to abuse you.
You still get to set boundaries and teach them how to treat you.
Bonus/ Go Pro
Lastly, we were introduced to Annie by Joe Polish.
Adee asked him if he could recommend a business coach and he accidentally intro’d us to Annie.
To end this thread, here’s a relevant quote from Joe:
“The best time to fix a leaky roof is when it stops raining.”
Pro baseball players don’t wait until they’re in a slump to improve their swing.
They’re always improving.
And it’s easier to upgrade your relationship when you don’t have to spend half the session getting back to baseline because you're so triggered.
Reflecting on my success in different areas of life, the single most important factor has been the people I’ve surrounded myself with. Coaches who have been where I’m trying to go. Peers that have inspired, challenged and supported me along the way.
If you’re at a crossroads in your life, going through a transition, or just feel like you’re at the cusp of your next chapter, you need to surround yourself with the right people.
This is one of the most powerful aspects of Soul Searching Adventures. The men that are attracted to these events are high performing, high integrity, and fun as hell to be around.
The rest of the trips I have this year are sold out, but I have spots available for a trip in March, 2024 in Escalante, UT. If you’re interested, I’d love to have you.
Click HERE for more information or just reply to this email to set up a time to chat with me.