All crown no crucifixion

Prism, Prophet, Gays, Growth

Hey friend,

Relationships are the single most important things to us in our lives. 

One thing we commonly hear is that on their death beds, people often regret working too much. They wish they had spent more times with their kids in their youth and with their spouses.

On my Soul Searching Adventures, the most meaningful moments and insights are usually about men's relationships with their parents, siblings, partners, children or community. Even when they are focused on "making a bigger impact" in their careers, what they really want is to better connect to and serve others.

In my personal life, when I go out into the mountains and reflect on what really matters to me, my relationships are always at the top.

So why don't we act like they are most important ALL the time? What gets in the way?

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The Gays

A couple months ago Adee and I were in a conflict. At one point she turned to me and said, "I just don't feel like you're being a good partner right now." 

Gut punch.

It boiled down to the same pattern that has shown up in our dynamic since Shai was born - she needed more support, tried to tell me how overwhelmed she was feeling, I wasn't really listening, and eventually she reached a breaking point.

A day after this happened, we were sitting at our dinner table and I had a realization. 

I told her, "I just noticed one big reason I'm so resistant to doing more for our family (e.g. spending more time with Shai, doing more chores, etc).” 

“I'm afraid to give up any of my work time because I'm always operating slightly from a place of "I'm not enough” in my career.

"I haven't achieved enough."

"I'm not creating enough." And so on. 

And because I believe I'm not enough I always have to be doing more, more, more.

That belief leads me to become hyper-focused on productivity at the expense of everything else. Like listening to my wife trying to tell me she needs more support.

Holding this belief is kind of like certain Christians believing that Jesus didn't like men who sucked dicks.

Can I cobble together some supporting evidence? Sure.

Is it true? Absolutely not.

But it has nevertheless existed for years unchallenged.

While it can be helpful to really dive into the origin of limiting beliefs, simply noticing that this preposterous one existed helped me to snap out of it. I immediately became a better husband and father when I didn't have to prove myself so much anymore.

Question to self:

• What other beliefs do I hold that keep me from loving those closest to me more fully?

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Failure to properly appreciate

We know that our parents and our kids can't just break up with us. We assume that our spouse and closest friends would NEVER leave us. So we "take them for granted," which means we "fail to properly notice and appreciate" them.

We become distracted in our pursuit of more money, however honestly we come by it. By our pursuit of significance, however noble the cause. By our pursuit of new stuff, new relationships, and new experiences, however much value they may add to our lives.

We are with them daily, but we don't really see them anymore. The countless needs they fulfill that once may have filled us with gratitude no longer even register as being done at all.

We are like the hawk, who, scanning the forest below only for motion, misses the still mouse sitting silently only yards away from his beak. After a while, without reflection, we fail to appreciate the constants in our life. The stable. The old. We're too busy scanning for movement.

Sometimes when I'm putting my son down for the night, I'm busy thinking about playing my guitar when I'm finished. In these moments when he begs me to read him a few more books I can become irritated. Or when he cries for me to go back in I can become frustrated.

At my very best, I become aware that I'm distracted by something less important and that when I'm older, I would give ANYTHING to sing him another song. As he grabs more books, I look at him and am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Questions to self:

• What am I making more important than being present with those I love? What am I not giving enough attention and appreciation to in my relationships?

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All crown no crucifixion

Recently I heard Annie Lalla say that "Love is like a prism." When light passes through a prism, it slows and bends. The different wavelengths bend at different angles which create all the colors of the rainbow.

Love, she says, encompasses everything from safety, comfort and joy to fear, envy and fury. When we watch a beautiful sunset together and feel deeply connected, that's what love looks like in that moment. When we are sleep deprived and in the throws of a fight, that's what love looks like in that moment.

A relevant quote from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet:

 For even as love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.
     Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver
in the sun,
     So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.
                                       •
     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto
himself.
     He threshes you to make you naked.
     He sifts you to free you from your husks.
     He grinds you to whiteness.
     He kneads you until you are pliant;
     And then he assigns you to his sacred
fire, that you may become sacred bread for
God’s sacred feast.

Our greatest loves (with our parents, partners and children) are almost invariably accompanied by our greatest hardships.

And we avoid confronting these hardships at all costs. We don't want to "rock the boat" or upset the status quo. We view arguments as war. We mistakenly consider our relationships unhealthy or broken when there is conflict.

We just expect the crown without the crucifixion. 

And in so doing we miss an essential truth - growth requires stress.

When bones are broken they grow back stronger. When we get sick our immune systems get better at fighting off illness. When we go to the gym, we tear muscle tissue in order for it to grow back bigger (h/t Annie).

When we approach the hard times in our relationships as learning opportunities, our bonds become even deeper than they were before. When we listen, abandoning the need to "be right" or "win," we can learn something about ourselves and how to better show up.

Questions to self:

• What am I sweeping under the rug? What am I unwilling to say? Where is the fear of conflict and challenging the status quo distancing me from those I love?

---

Gibran continues:

 All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your
heart, and in that knowledge become a
fragment of Life’s heart.

If I pretend to know what this means, I am reminded of the idea that love is the most direct path to a connection with a higher power. When we do the work to better love those in our lives, to stay in state of gratitude for them, through all the highs and lows, we are connected to something greater than ourselves.

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A few more things I want to share with you

🎧 My buddy Chris Williamson on Joe Rogan. I was the 8th guest on Chris’ podcast, Modern Wisdom, and have watched him grow his podcast over the past several years. He is one of the best examples of Turning Pro I've ever seen. He had some natural talent for interviewing, but nothing crazy. He had no big network. He just committed to professionalism long before being compensated or recognized as such, and now he's on fucking Joe Rogan and has the #2 podcast in the entire world this week. He did an outstanding job, reaffirming that he deserved to be there.

📽️ This Ed Sheeran acoustic video I've listened to at least a dozen times

🧠 Rick Rubin's twitter. It’s the best wisdom on creativity and art I've ever read. But check this one out because his actual one only keeps posts up for a day then deletes them (how artistic of him).

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One Ask

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Peace,

Michael