Bad Grass

Ells, Lyle, and Uncle Paul

Aright, so me and my buddy Lyle was up doin' speed one night. We didn't get to bed until 4am or sumthin'. I don't make a habit of it, but I like to partake every now and again.

Well just so happened my uncle Paul knocked on my door next mornin' at 6. I said, "Fuck, I forgot we were huntin'. Get up Lyle. He gets pissed if he has to wait.” 

Now, you should know that Lyle Bannon is a loose screw. Some folks call him "bad grass."

Anyway I opened the door and let my uncle in. He said, "You boys been drinkin'? I been drinkin' since last night." He laughed and ‘bout coughed up a lung.

Those same people callin' Lyle bad grass prolly don't have much better to say about my uncle Paul neither.

As we was headin' over the levee uncle Paul told us ‘bout this ol’ man that had some deer corn for us.

We pulled up at the ol’ man's house and my uncle walked in. A few minutes later he come runnin' out, holdin' a sack of corn over his shoulder. He dumped it in the bed and hopped in the truck, winkin' at me as he got in. 

"Fuck that ol’ mufucker!" he yelled. "Him and Daddy musta got into it the other night over somethin', and now he's holdin' against me. He tol’ me he wouldn't sell me no corn if I sucked the white off his dick. So I stole me some."

"We'll see who gets the last laugh," he said as he drove over to the ol’ man's barn. "Let's push this sunbitch's car in that ditch. Y’all get out and help me ‘fore he comes out here with his shotgun."

We got out and uncle Paul whispered to me, laughter in his eyes: "Ol’ man ain’t pissed at all. He asked me to push it up onto the driveway so the tow truck can get it tomorrow."

My uncle got into the driver seat and threw it in neutral. We pushed as hard as we could, and it started rollin' and then got stuck.

"Ells!" he called to me, "Get up here and check what we got stuck in. "Quick!"

As I was walkin' up to the front, I heard Lyle say, "Fuck it, this is takin' too long," and then I heard BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  

Lyle was runnin' back to the truck screaming, "I shot his tractor up, les roll!

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Inspired by my good friend Bronco, one of the best storytellers I know.