Character flaws = crying babies 😢

Reinvention, Embracing > Aggression

Yelling at a crying baby to stop crying not only doesn't work, it makes them cry harder. And it makes you an asshole.

The best thing you can do is let them feel what they're feeling, do your best to help them feel safe, and calmly attend to what you think they are asking for.

Our character flaws are like crying babies.

Let me explain…

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A few days ago on a call, I gave a friend some feedback. I told him that I noticed several status signaling tendencies in him that came up consistently:

• Name dropping

• Talking about how much money he made in his most recent deal

• Explicitly citing fame as a primary goal in his life

I said, "My judgment is that you're doing this seeking admiration hoping that will lead to acceptance and belonging."

I told him bluntly that when he behaves that way I want to spend less time with him. To me it demonstrates that we have different core values, and I don't want to be influenced by what he wants (humans learn what to want by mimicking what those around them want).

First, he took this in with zero resistance which is a huge testament to his level of self-awareness and esteem (his ability to receive feedback without catastrophizing and hearing it as an assault on his character). He also sees feedback as a gift.

He thanked me for taking the time to have the conversation with him and said, "You're exactly right. I do that and for the same reasons you're describing."

Then he said sadly, "I hate that I do this. Ever since I was a kid I've felt like an outsider, and behavior like this keeps me as an outsider."

This reminded me of something I learned a couple years ago.

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"What we resist persists"

My mentors, Annie and Eben, put on a course called Reinvent. In it they taught us that as we grow and evolve throughout our lives, it is typical to attempt to cast aside previous versions of ourselves. To be hard on our past selves for not being better. For not being where we are today.

Up to the point of that course, any time I would think about my years of addiction, I told myself some version of "I've dealt with that phase of my life. I'm healed." 

During the course it became clear that I looked back on that version of myself with contempt. The selfishness I exhibited. The level of risk I was willing to take to be accepted by my peers. The danger I put people in just to look cool. I was embarrassed of that version of myself. Disgusted at times.

They had us write in detail about each major chapter of our lives, exploring questions like…

• What were our challenges? 

• What skills, capabilities and character traits did we develop as a result of these challenges?

Through this I realized that that period of time is where a lot of my favorite qualities about myself were beginning to be forged. The pain I experienced then gives me the capacity now to support others through a much wider range of pain. It forced me to get in touch with and regulate my emotions, something I am world class at today.

Philip Mckernan once said to me that "Our greatest gifts lie next to our deepest wound."

This exercise brought an element of tenderness and respect to the way I related to my past self. When I look back now, the story I tell myself goes something like, "I made many mistakes, but I was doing the very best I knew how at the time. I'm SO grateful for everything that I learned during that time and who I became as a result."

When we outcast parts of ourselves, or previous versions, a shadow is created. The patterns still exist in us, but they are too painful for us to look at. So we unconsciously create ways of blinding ourselves to it. This is how we create our own blindspots.

By going back and embracing that former version of myself, it was safe enough for some of my old tendencies to come out of hiding. I started to see more clearly the ways I was STILL taking risks to be accepted or doing things just to look cool. And that awareness eventually led to me effortlessly doing them less. I was free to just be myself and for that to be enough.

Finally on the call with my friend I said, "I notice that you are pretty aggressive with that former version of yourself." Screaming at the crying baby.

Every character flaw we have today was once our most cutting edge strategy for survival, soothing or getting through life.

It was the best tool we could find (almost always subconsciously) for getting something we desperately wanted or avoiding something bad. When we get older and realize that that strategy is no longer working for us, the part of us that needed the strategy in the first place freaks out. Crying baby. 

That previous version of ourselves wants to be acknowledged, validated, and made to feel safe. When it gets those things it can calm down and open itself to an updated strategy.

"My sense," I said, "is that in order to let go of this pattern of attention seeking you will have to change the way you relate to that part of yourself. You have to learn to love it into submission. Consider the boy that felt left out when he was a kid and love him. When you fully accept that part of yourself, your whole being will begin to feel more at ease in this area of your life. You will feel like you belong to yourself, and my guess is that a lot of these behaviors will naturally fall away."

Note to self:

• Surround yourself with people willing to give you direct feedback with grace

• Love your faults into submission

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One more thing I want to share with you

Can I just brag about myself for a second? Two nights ago I went onto South Congress Ave., one of the busiest sidewalks in Austin, and played my guitar for 90 minutes straight. I’ve gone from having a panic attack on stage 7 years ago to playing music in front of a bunch of strangers. 

I made $11. And zero people stopped to REALLY listen. 

And yet, I have more pride in myself for that experience than any other in recent history. I refuse to bow down to my ever present fear.

Peace,

Michael