People remember two things about an experience: the peak and the ending.
Everyone focuses on the peaks. Top of the mountain, orgasm, your 20s, the loudest or most exciting part of a song.
The end is usually an afterthought. And this is a mistake.
Just an afterthought
On the most recent Soul Searching Adventure I led a ceremony to mark the ending of the "Roots Phase." After some very heavy and meaningful work over the prior two days, the ceremony included a guided meditation and some singing that we did together. It was moving and a few men were in tears. At the end of the ceremony I said, "Aaaand that's your roots phase ceremony."
My friend and co-facilitator on the trip, Bryce Astill, gave me some feedback later and said that the ending was abrupt and may have detracted from the overall experience.
I've done the same thing with public speaking gigs and songs I play. I focus so much on the peak in the middle that I don't give any thought to the ending. And even if I crush the rest of it, I leave feeling like something was off.
I, like many people, have often treated the ending as an afterthought.
Why do we do this?
Because it's not the peak. It's not the most exciting.
Because it's quieter.
Maybe because weâre avoiding it.
Because with some things, weâre deeply, deeply terrified of it.
The end is just as much a part of the whole as the beginning or the peak, and it's possible to end with style and grace.
The end is the beginning of integration
The final pose in a typical yoga session is called Savasana, or Corpse Pose, where you lie on your back. It is thought to be (to the best of my knowledge) the most important pose.
This is where your body integrates the physical poses. It releases all tension, allowing the body to relax further into the new space it's just created. This is where your mind integrates new insights from the practice and also gets to experience the new space that was created in it as well. The longer the yoga session, the longer the savasana.
It helps us to bring our yoga practice with us rather than thinking of it as solely something that happens "on the mat."Â
I wouldâve done well to remember that for the Roots Phase ceremony. :)
Zooming out
On a plane ride home a few nights ago I was holding my 3 month old daughter. I had a vision of her at 10 years old going on a hike with me. Then another of me walking her down the aisle at her wedding. Then one final one: the last time I spoke to her on my deathbed. I felt an intense current of both grief and love at the same time.
"When we acknowledge death, it gives us life," said a friend of mine on a walk recently.
Christians and Buddhists have done some form of death contemplation for millennia.Â
And the Stoics teach the practice of negative visualization - to remind yourself that one day youâll lose everything that matters to you. Memento Mori: remember that youâll die.
Itâs about zooming out and seeing the wholeâincluding the end.Â
Holding my daughter and going through this informal visualization filled me with an immense gratitude.
I felt alive.
As we near the end of this year I'll be asking myself a handful of related questions.
If I knew I was going to die in a week:
What conversations would I have with who?
Who would I say "I love you" or "I appreciate you" to?
What would I regret, if anything?
What have I taken for granted?
And two questions from David Deida:
What do I need to die complete?
What do I need to give to die complete?
The Night-blooming cereus blooms for a single night. If we zoom out far enough, to the timeline of mountains and oceans, a human life is like a flower blooming. When we forget this, we can miss the beauty of life altogether.
Stop waiting for the âgood stuff.â This is it.
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