Envy Alchemy
Being Judgey, 103 Life Lessons, Ball Sucking Hugs
Hey friend,
I took a short break from writing this newsletter as I had a two week Soul Searching Adventure in Peru and a lot going on in my personal life. Now I'm back with the 50th edition.
Before we get started, some housekeeping…
All Soul Searching Adventures are sold out until March of next year. If you are looking for more peace and clarity in your life, radically deeper relationships and to find more purpose in your career, I'd love to have you next year. If you're interested in going on a trip, you can go here to apply now.
Next, I recently released two great podcast episodes:
The first is with two of my best friends, JP Sears and Jordan Bowditch. Two of the wisest AND most playful people in my life. We discuss creating deeper friendships, the art of public speaking, and striving for mastery.
The second is my 3rd podcast with Ben Bergeron the GOAT Crossfit Coach. We talk about his new bestselling book, Unlocking Potential, the importance of clarifying your values, and more.
Which brings me to the topic of today's newsletter -
Envy Alchemy - Transforming feelings of envy into inspiration and a compass for personal growth.
Annie Lalla taught me that all emotions are sacred teachers illuminating something about ourselves, our needs and/or our desires.
But envy... envy sure doesn't feel very sacred. It’s one of the least sexy, nastiest, and most uncomfortable emotions.
My entire life I've unconsciously covered up this feeling with something else to avoid feeling it.
My go to cover up strategy is judgement. My mind effortlessly goes to work trying to make me feel better than the other person so that I don't have to feel the envy. Can you relate?
For years, I envied Ben Bergeron. He was a better coach than I ever was, he was a great speaker and communicator, and he got a ton of recognition for his success.
And for years without realizing I was doing it, I was doing my best to judge the shit out of him. I tried to find fault in things he was doing. Looking everywhere for him to slip up somewhere (and to my dismay I couldn't find anything).
When I am envious I am usually telling myself that the person I envy is better than me as a whole rather than that they are better than me at the thing that makes me envious of them. I tell myself that that diminishes me in some way. Sometimes I've made it mean that I am worthless.
One day someone suggested I write down a list of all the people I envied and why.
One of the things I learned from this exercise was that my envy of Ben in particular was highlighting my desire to overcome my fear of public speaking. To put in the reps to become proficient at it.
It showed me that I wanted to become the type of person that could pour himself into his athletes (or other people I serve) consistently. Someone who could build a deep trust with those he worked with.
The values I was uncovering were a desire for greater self-expression and greater service/impact.
Now I use envy to hunt for my hidden values.
When I'm able to pull my head out of my ass when I'm being "judgey" and notice that I'm really feeling envious, I ask myself, "What is my envy telling me about what I want in my life and specifically where I want to grow?"
Next, I allow the feelings of envy to become inspiration. Over the years Ben and I have developed a friendship, and he has become an example of what is possible for me. Seeing him continue to push his edges, to continue upping his game, motivates me to do the same.
Envy Alchemy.
Michael Singer, author of Untethered Soul and Surrender Experiment, says that the ONLY important spiritual practice at all is "letting go of our stuff."
This is the "stuff."
The stuff that keeps us from simply being present in our lives.
So in regards to envy or any other uncomfortable emotion I'm doing my best to ask, "How can I just feel this?" And then "what is this trying to teach me right now?"
A few other things I want to share with you
One of the best books I've read in a long time
I've written a little about my spiritual journey - growing up Catholic, rebelling all the way to calling myself an atheist, starting to open my mind again to spirituality, and now having a yearning to learn from some of the ancient spiritual and religious traditions.
Mansal Denton recommended The Wisdom Jesus to me, and I was floored. It is a take on the story of Jesus Christ that I had never been exposed to, and it deeply resonated with and inspired me.
103 Life Lessons from one of the world's most insightful men - Kevin Kelly
A couple samples…
“Productivity is often a distraction. Don’t aim for better ways to get through your tasks as quickly as possible, rather aim for better tasks that you never want to stop doing.”
“Ask anyone you admire: Their lucky breaks happened on a detour from their main goal. So embrace detours. Life is not a straight line for anyone.”
and my favorite
“You will be judged on how well you treat those who can do nothing for you.”
Most people suck balls at giving hugs. Not me. I’m a damned good hug giver. It’s one of the many gifts of needing years of group therapy sessions and AA meetings.
The Art of a Great Hug: 1. Soften the f*&^ up 2. Do it for longer but don’t be creepy
That’s all for this week.
Peace,
Michael