Exhale #16: Preventing getting shit everywhere, blindspots and losing your virginity
I learned a new move the other day while wiping my son’s ass.
If you’re a new parent or soon to be parent, you’re gonna want to write this down.
Shai has become really interested in playing with his cock and balls as soon as I take his diaper off (good for you bud!).
Sometimes this presents a dangerous situation because his cock and balls have shit on them.
Usually I hold both of his feet up with one hand while I change his diaper while his hands are free to do as they please. A few days ago, I spontaneously tried a new move.
I realized that it’s possible to hold not only his feet, but his hands too, all in one of my hands. He’s briefly trapped there but completely safe from spreading shit everywhere.
This is one of the many vital lessons I’ve learned as a new parent.
Here are a few more.
Going beyond preventing getting shit everywhere
Make what is important to him, important to me
Our mentor, Annie, gave my wife, Adee, and I something to watch out for in the coming months and years as parents.
She said that there is usually one parent that wants to use the child for their own needs of connection and attention (more likely to be Adee) and one parent who doesn’t give the kid enough connection and attention (more likely to be me). I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist.
She told Adee to watch out for:
“When he breaks eye contact you may feel a tendency to want to pull his attention back to you, to bring his gaze back to yours, and this will be for your needs and not his. Over time this energy can develop into manipulative ways of getting his attention and love rather than respecting his sovereignty or needs in the moment.”
She told me to watch out for the inverse:
“You may feel a tendency to ignore or minimize what matters to him.”
She gave the example of her daughter walking into her husband’s office to show him a new painting she had just made.
Most adults, in the middle of their work day, would assume that what they are working on is more important than a painting a 7 year old just made at home.
Instead, he immediately stopped what he was doing to go see the painting and celebrate her accomplishment. At that moment, that painting was the most important thing to her, and he was acknowledging that with his attention and praise.
I already notice this pattern in my relationship with Adee.
She’s always said that I’m the hardest person in the world to impress.
My work is to pay more attention to what matters to her and to Shai and to celebrate the hell out of it.
I think this is how I can support him build self-esteem, foster his curiosities and ultimately show him through my repeated behavior (rather than my words) how much I love him.
He’s my greatest teacher and conduit to spiritual growth.
Inspired by Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth years ago I started to tell myself that my primary purpose in life is to be present.
I also believe that what my son needs more than anything else is my pure, undivided presence. My attention.
He needs me to be living my purpose.
I’ve learned this from parenting role models, books and the fact that when I don’t give it to him because I’m on my phone or trying to rush around and clean the kitchen WHILE I’m feeding him he screams at the top of his lungs.
Knowing this, I have dozens of reminders of my purpose every single day. Every time I pick up my phone around him I’m reminded of this. Then I either put my phone away immediately or consciously choose to use it anyway.
Every time I think I’m bored or frustrated with him, I become aware that those thoughts are keeping me from simply BEing with him.
He’s helping me remember to live my life rather than allow myself to be caught up in my head.
“Your full range of emotions are welcome here.”
Without a doubt one of the most difficult parts of being a new parent (and partner for that matter) is holding space for their full range of emotions.
When he’s giggling and laughing, or when he’s softly cuddling with me, I’m completely blissed out.
When he’s screaming for 30 minutes straight, angry as hell, as I’m trying to feed him and figure out how to help him, well… it sucks.
He is on a 24/7 acid trip: one second he seems to be experiencing pure ecstacy, the next he’s screaming with tears running down his face. This range and especially the unexpected and sudden swings can be challenging to be with.
Here are some things I’ve noticed inside of me when he swings to a more “negative” side:
I tell myself “Something is wrong,” or “I need to fix this.”
A ton of tension rising up in me
A feeling of wanting to escape
A feeling of wanting to slam my fists on the table or yell to make the screaming stop
The tendency to want to tell him how he should feel: “You’re ok, you’re ok.” when he obviously is not actually ok.
Now what I’m trying to practice is to first remind myself that all of his emotions are ok, it’s not my place to fix them, and it’s certainly not my responsibility to try to control them.
The best I can do for him is to remain calm and regulated myself while doing my best to pay attention to what he’s really trying to communicate to me.
By doing so I show him that all of him is “accepted” here. His full range of emotions are ok here and he’s safe.
Stories connect us
A few weeks ago I skipped my first week from releasing this newsletter.
I justified it by saying I was in Las Vegas for a wedding, and it was acceptable because I was out of my routine.
Bullshit.
I was afraid that the newsletter I had written was shitty, and I didn’t want it to go out.
It was the story of me learning I would need back surgery and what that journey taught me about surrender. I kept working on it and published it the next week fully fearing it would be my worst one yet.
I told myself, “This is just MY story. No one gives a shit about this.”
I got as much or more response from that email than any other in the 3+ months I’ve been writing these.
This reaffirmed to me that “What is most personal is most universal.”
The things that are most intimate about us, that we often think we are unique in experiencing, are actually more common than we know. By sharing these things, we let others know they are not alone and can make it safe enough for them to share what’s inside of them.
I don’t actually believe that anyone cares about MY story, but some of them appreciate and value what it causes inside of them. It helps them connect more deeply or become more aware of their own experiences.
Your stories are the same.
Whether you want to deepen a friendship or romantic partnership, you want to be a better marketer, or you just want to make a difference, your personal stories matter.
360 Interview Process and Blindspots
A few years ago, the first thing I did with my new business coach was something called a 360 interview process.
He and his team interviewed the 10 people I worked most closely with in our businesses for about 90 minutes each. He was looking for patterns and blindspots in the way I worked to help me improve as a leader.
I am a highly self-aware individual.
So when he asked me if I wanted to go through the process I literally told him, “I’ll do it if you really think I should, but I don’t think I will learn anything new.”
We did it, and I was wrong. Maybe a little less self-aware than I thought.
I had some huge blindspots in the way I worked and how I was perceived with those I worked with, and this process helped me identify them along with a plan for improving.
The results gave me dozens of things people said I could improve on as well as the frequency at which each was brought up. The most common, and the ones my coach and I decided to focus on first were as follows:
Problem: I bring too many half-baked ideas to the team without thinking through how this falls into the strategic plan, what the impact is on the team, etc.
Solution: Clearly think through ideas before sharing with the team. Follow through on idea to its completion. Ask:
Why should this idea be a priority for the company?
What work needs to be done, who will do it, and by what date?
What will need to be reprioritized, delayed, or dropped to accomplish this?
What is the clear definition and measure of success for this idea?
Problem: Similar to #1 I initiate ideas without giving enough direction and support along the way often leading to lack of clarity, confusion, and overwhelm.
Solution: Execute ideas by assigning ownership, clarifying approach and success criteria, and following through to ensure delivery of results.
Problem: I assign tasks and/or projects that are unrealistic because I do not have a deep enough understanding of the current operations of the company.
Solution: Understand employee roles and workload by shadowing team members.
Problem: I do not understand finance enough to use our numbers to make strategic decisions.
Solution: Increase fundamental knowledge of finance.
This process completely changed the way I work and lead. I followed up with my team regularly, and they all affirmed that they could see the progress I was making.
Years later, most of these issues no longer exist, and at the very least I have made massive improvements in them and many others.
Proactively seeking feedback from others has been a vital part of my personal and professional life starting in the days of rehab and therapy and now in all of my closest relationships.
If this is not a regular part of your life right now, I have a challenge for you right now:
Reach out to 3 people right now that you really trust and text them this or call and ask them:
“Hey {name}, this weird guy just gave me a challenge to reach out to 3 people I really trust and ask them a question. You’re one of those people, and the question is this: What is one thing you think I do really well in life, or what is one of my biggest strengths? What is one thing you think I could improve or that you find annoying? I promise not to get defensive!”
Then, don’t get defensive!
Instead, thank them and genuinely look for the truth in what they’re saying.
And then apply one the quote “If it fits, let it sit. If it doesn’t apply, let it fly.”
How to have sex before you lose your virginity
Preparing for an upcoming podcast I heard a hilarious term called the “Mormon Soak.”
For some context, their is an urban legend that since Mormons aren’t allowed to have sex before marriage, they come up with all sorts of work arounds. Loopholes (Pun intended).
The legend goes that:
Anal is ok, it’s the vagina that’s off limits
The creases of an elbow or knee are also fair game.
One of the best is that you can have heterosexual vaginal penetration as long as you don’t move at all once it’s in. This is called “The Mormon Float.” AKA The Provo Float, Docking, Parking, or Marinating.
I heard this a lot living in Salt Lake City, but after doing a little research I don’t actually believe this is something that many Mormons believe, but the concept is hilarious.
You will probably need this information at some point so you’re welcome.
Peace,
Michael