Exhale #23: Evolving your beliefs with grace

Our beliefs in every area of life will become outdated at some point. 

What you believed about food, religion, relationships, politics, fitness, etc. are likely completely different than they were 10 years ago. 

It’s certainly true for me. And yet, I always think that now I’ve finally arrived. 

NOW I know it all. I’ve finally arrived at the core, essential truth about this topic. The wisest perspective I could possibly reach.

My pattern is that I adopt a new belief or behavior or join a new group, and then I immediately think the old one is silly for some period of time. I cast it aside. 

Then years later I realize all the great things about the old way even if I don’t love everything about it.

For instance, I grew up Catholic. I went to church twice a week on average. 

I always hated going to church and religion class, but I still thought it was an undeniable fact that Jesus and God existed. I just felt like God was an oppressive father not letting me have sex or use drugs, so I didn’t like him.

I started going to AA meetings when I was 14 or 15 and heard people talking about having a “higher power” and having issues with the word God. Seed planted. 

Years later, I read a book given to me by a friend that said God wasn’t real. It suddenly all made sense to me. Of course there wasn’t a God!

I quickly started calling myself an atheist. 

From that point on I saw everyone, including my family, as silly and naive for believing in such an archaic, made up story. I belittled them in my head and occasionally got in pointless arguments with people trying to prove to them wrong. 

I was condescending and rude.

More years later I’ve realized how much wisdom and beauty exists in the religion I grew up in. I notice how many of my positive traits come from my ancestors who were devoted to this religion. 

My friend Jarom and I were talking about this a few days ago, and he said that this was the natural process. We have a rebirth and then a process of integration over time.

I’ve done this with so many things such as:

• I was a drug addict, then when I got sober I looked down on anyone that used substances thinking that they were all being reckless and immature. Now I realize that some substances are just purely fun and social for people. Other ones are used as sacred medicine.

• When I went from eating a standard American diet to a paleo diet, I looked down on anyone that ate processed foods. Now I realize that there are no good foods or bad foods, only ones that I want to eat more or less of.

• When I discovered Crossfit I looked down on everyone at Globo gyms using machines thinking to myself, “I’ve found the one, true way of training.” Now I see benefits in lots of types of training for different purposes. 

Recognizing this pattern feels significant because of how it makes me feel and how it causes me to think about and treat other people:

• I start judging people that have that old belief that I’m casting aside. By doing this I tell myself that I’ve transcended that belief and I’m better than them. My judgement disconnects me from them, makes them feel less valuable in my eyes.

• It makes me rigid. When I tried the paleo diet, if I ate anything that didn’t fit the diet I felt like my day was ruined.

• It also causes me to harshly judge myself for having believed that in the past. I don’t recognize that I needed to go through that to get to where I am today.

On the other hand, every time I reintegrate something it feels expansive. It feels like I’m becoming more open and flexible.

When I reintegrated parts of my Catholic upbringing back into my life like a belief in a higher power, appreciation for the bible, etc. I felt like I was reclaiming a part of my heritage I had cast aside. I felt like I could let go of all the judgement and tension I had towards people that believed in the religion. 

My questions are 

“Can I adopt a new belief without completely casting out the old one and disconnecting from people without the new belief?” 

or 

“Is it possible to evolve with more grace without throwing the baby out with the bathwater?” 

Evolving with style and grace

Around 2, kids start developing something called “Counter Will.” Saying “no” to everything other people tell them to do, especially their parents. Hence the “terrible 2s.”

Gabor Mate, in his book Hold on to Your Kids, claims that this is not a terrible thing. It is actually an essential part of kids developing their own sense of self. In order to do this they need to push away from identifying with their parents. 

Counter will exists most of childhood to some extent. Then years later in a healthy relationship the kid is able to accept guidance from the parent or authority figure and realizes how grateful she is for her parents and how much she has learned from them.

Knowing this allows me to have a little more patience with myself. This pattern of pushing away to form our own identity is hard wired in us. And I’ve learned that aggressively resisting my instincts or feelings never works – it only makes them worse.

My hunch is that by simply becoming more aware of this pattern I will be able to adopt new beliefs with a little more grace. With less judgement of myself and others. With a recognition of the benefits of the old belief. With a little more flexibility.

Writing about this makes me wonder where I’m doing this right now. Where am I throwing the baby out with the bath water? Who am I judging? How can I soften my mental grip on the new belief or behavior or group?