Exhale #27: I lied to myself for 9 years out of fear

Ever since I went to rehab in 2008, I’ve wanted to help people with their personal development. 

I went to college to become a social worker, then a psychologist, and neither felt like the right fit. So I abandoned my passion for helping people in that way. 

I became a strength and conditioning coach, then an entrepreneur, and I kept having moments of self-reflection where it was crystal clear that I wanted to be helping people with emotional work. Finally, in 2017, the voice inside became too loud. 

I decided that the time had come.

But I had to take some more courses first… of course. 

I took one on Neurolinguistic Programming. 

Another called Virtual Coach. 

I spent 10 days in Ireland at an event called Bravesoul.

I spent another 6 months creating content for a personal development course for WAG staff only. 

I was doing everything except actually helping people. Because I was afraid. The courses, the reading, and the writing all allowed me to avoid actually putting myself out there and helping people.

FINALLY, I put a date on the calendar to begin putting 15 of our staff members through a 16 week course. 

A few weeks into the course starting I already saw so many things that I could have done better. Insights that I could only have by actually leading the course. A few people got some great results, but on average it was mediocre. I could have gotten that mediocre iteration out of the way years earlier if I had just begun.

I am such a huge believer in education and especially immersive learning experiences, however in my personal experience I noticed that there was a part of me using them as a crutch.

I spent years avoiding helping people telling myself that I just needed to take one more course. I just needed to read one more book about personal growth and then I would have a structure to use with people. 

Bullshit. I was scared, and it stopped me from doing the most important thing when it comes to learning and growing. Doing the thing.

“Get going, then get good.” – Jack Butcher

I used this mentality when starting Soul Searching Adventures. 

I felt like an imposter and like I should probably take more trips similar to what I was thinking about before starting my own. Instead, I put the first one on the calendar without having a single thing planned other than the date and location. 

10 people signed up and then I had no choice but to prepare. It ended up being a life changing experience for most of the men that attended and the most fun I’ve had in my career.

I used this to learn to sing while playing guitar. 

For years I’ve told myself I need to get really good at guitar before trying to learn to sing while I play. I’m still not good at the guitar, but several months ago I decided to just start trying to sing along with the songs I was playing. 80% of what was stopping me was fear of putting my voice out there and sounding bad. 

Once I got over that by actually singing, I started learning rapidly how to get better. Now I can play and sing about 10 songs.

My loving challenge to you

That art you want to create – start now and worry about getting better later.

That course you want to create – start now, charge less for your first users, and use their feedback to improve it for the next cohort.

That skill you want to build, the instrument you want to pick up, or the language you want to learn – start right now. Just start practicing and experimenting doing the actual thing. You can research later. 

The fastest and most important learning happens when you actually begin.

“But I’m not qualified…” and you never will be if you continue to avoid doing the thing and allow yourself to get experience. Obviously there are exceptions. You shouldn’t be helping people with pathology if you aren’t licensed and you shouldn’t be designing a bridge if you aren’t a qualified engineer.

“But I don’t have the confidence…” and you never will by reading more, watching more videos, or taking more courses. You’ll never feel truly confident until you’re actually competent. And the most important factor in developing competency is practice.

“But I don’t know if I’ll actually love it…” and you never will until you try it.

“But I don’t have time…” is just another way of saying “it just doesn’t matter that much to me.” If it matters you’ll make time. And you may fool yourself into believing you don’t care to avoid failing and/or looking bad.

Get out there and experiment. Play and have fun. Remind yourself that you don’t have to be good to start. And give yourself grace when you make mistakes, because you’re just like a baby learning to walk.

And before you go… an old post I found while stalking myself