Exhale #28: The Art of Fighting and MLKing Your Partner
Adee and I went to a relationship workshop a couple weeks ago called The Love Dojo put on by our mentors Annie Lalla and Eben Pagan.
We’ve spent 6 years working consistently on creating and maintaining the incredible relationship we have. So we went in feeling pretty great about our relationship. No big conflicts left undone. We were having great sex and felt connected.
We went because we treat our relationship like a professional sports team – always trying to improve even when things are going well because “It doesn’t have to be broken to get better”. This is one of the most important things we believe and something that has served us extremely well.
With that being said our minds were still blown by some new concepts and tools. Here are a few things we learned or had reinforced:
The Art of Fighting
Annie taught us that fighting in a relationship is like working out. When you lift weights you are essentially tearing your muscle tissue. It then grows back bigger and stronger. Every time you fight and heal properly your relationship grows back stronger.
It builds relationship self-esteem – the trust in the relationship’s ability to cope with adversity.
A few of the key techniques for great conflict resolution:
The first and most important thing is to regulate your own nervous system.
Your fight or flight response.
Most fights occur when both people are triggered and revert back to a primitive part of their brains, the lizard or reptilian brain, whose only goal is survival.
From that place we attack, defend, and say things we don’t mean.
There’s no room for understanding.
We can regulate ourselves through breathe, focused visualization, or taking a short time out.
Before you react to your partner, breathe. The goal should be to bring your energy level down below a 5/10 so you feel safe and can think and feel clearly. Breathe and notice the story going on in your head about how wrong they are, notice the emotions inside of you, and feel yourself calm down a little.
Search for your part
Assume that in every conflict there is at least some shred of truth to your partner’s complaint about you. And until you genuinely look for it, even if it’s only .5% of the whole issue, your partner will not put his or her metaphorical sword down.
Try to understand their complaint and how you could have contributed to this conflict.
In AA there is a saying that “you’re only responsibility is to keep your side of the street clean.” Almost without fail when I’ve owned my shit, if she hasn’t already, Adee will own hers as well.
One thing that helps a lot is reflecting back what you think you’re hearing them say: “So what I hear you saying is that you feel small when I make jokes about x. Am I hearing that right?” It can show them that you do understand how they feel, or if you get it wrong they can correct you.
Be the hero
The first one to take accountability, to genuinely apologize, or to soften their stance in a conflict is the hero.
Because it takes courage.
There’s no guarantee that the other person will reciprocate.
One of the best games you can play in your relationship is racing to be the hero in conflict.
MLKing your partner into their best self
Not Milking. MLKing. But Milking can be nice too.
Let me explain.
There are our values: Things like integrity, honesty, loyalty, freedom, self-expression.
Then there is our behavior.
There is always a gap between our values, how we truly want to be, and how we act.
The bigger the gap, the more mental illness and dis-ease in our lives. The smaller the gap the more inner peace and effectiveness.
Our partners are hyper aware of this gap, and it’s part of the reason we LOVE being with them.
Being with them makes it inevitable that we close that gap. That we live more in alignment with who we truly are. That we reach our potential.
In most relationships, partners try to close that gap through endless bitching and complaining, through passive aggressive means, etc.
Like rubbing the dogs nose in shit, this doesn’t work. It only causes resentment… and confusion.
At the Love Dojo we learned the idea of using Martin Luther King style “I had a dream” communication with your partner when helping them close the gap. I also learned the importance of communicating it to them for their own reasons and not yours.
For instance, I’ve always had a value of being self-reliant. About being the MAN of the house. That’s the value.
My behavior didn’t always match that value such as in my resistance to trying to fix anything at all around our house.
Earlier in our relationship when something would break Adee would complain about me taking a long time to get someone to come out and fix the thing, or that I wouldn’t do it myself, or she would poke fun at me.
It didn’t do anything but piss me off.
She was using negative reinforcement, and she was making it about her reason, her value, of wanting the thing fixed.
At some point she starting MLKing me.
She started saying things like “I see a future where you can fix literally everything in our house and all of your friends call you to fix their shit too.”
There was no expectation or make-wrong around me fixing a certain thing. Instead of complaining she was selling me on a path to becoming more self-reliant and manly.
She painted a picture in my head of a future me that I liked better than the current me.
And it worked. #manipulation
Notice yourself loving your life
Lastly, Annie mentioned something that she does in her mind that I’m stealing.
She intentionally notices and brings awareness to moments in which she’s enjoying her life.
Small moments. Big moments. Doesn’t matter.
We’re working against a genetic predisposition to look out for what’s wrong… because that is best for survival.
I’ve had this unconscious story running in the background of my mind that goes something like “No matter how much success I have or how much I meditate I’m never going to be content.”
By catching myself loving my life I can rewrite that story.
For me that could look like the sun hitting me in a certain way that feels pleasant. I tell myself “Oh I see that guy taking the time to appreciate the subtle feeling of the sun hitting him. I like that guy!”
Or on a walk with my son, noticing a feeling of gratitude for being with him.
We want to see ourselves as someone who enjoys their life. Not as an avoidance strategy. But a way to intentionally rewrite the story we have of ourselves. To condition ourselves to have more of those moments.
If you really hate your life I’m not telling you to lie to yourself. This isn’t about positive thinking.
This is about bringing extra attention to the moments that you’re already enjoying, and falling deeper in love with yourself for paying attention.
This is similar to what Chade-Meng Tan, a former Google happiness guru, teaches: Find slices of joy throughout your day. (Side note: His title at Google was Jolly Good Fellow (That Nobody Can Deny))
I’ve had dozens of coaches in my life from sports coaches, business coaches, guitar teachers, therapists, etc. Annie and Eben are hands down the best I’ve ever worked with. If you want to learn from them you can head here and sign up for their mailing list.