Exhale #31: "Relationships are the single most important thing to you and your life."
Hey,
First off, I’ve got a couple new Michael Caz Podcast episodes to share with you:
Now, let’s talk about my parents…
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For years I've craved a deeper relationship with my parents.
One where we talk to each other about our biggest hopes, challenges, dreams and sorrows.
Being 1,000 miles away from them I just wanted to feel closer.
At first I focused on my relationship with my dad. I wished for it to be deeper, and when it didn't happen immediately and automatically I got frustrated.
Because my dad had always been the leader in our relationship, I expected him to make this happen without me saying anything.
That's when my mentor Annie suggested that I had become the leader in matters of the heart, and that if I wanted it to be deeper I would have to pave the way.
She said that normally, when a parent does a kick ass job, their children surpass them in level of consciousness - the extent to which one is aware of himself and the world - around 25-30 years old.
Not better than, simply more aware.
We learn how to respond to adversity by watching our parents. How to treat others. How to work hard, or not. How to have tough conversations.
At 25-30 years old they’ve passed on all of those skills, and we become the tip of the spear of the family lineage.
But how could I lead in my relationship with my dad while allowing him to maintain his dignity - while still honoring and respecting him?
I didn't know how I felt about the idea of "leading my dad" at first. It felt very uncomfortable and like I was overstepping some sacred barrier even thinking about it.
But I tried it on. The first thing we did was we worked on our hugs.
I had been thinking for a while that I wanted a hug from him like he used to give me in rehab.
He was so raw emotionally (as my entire family was) and he missed me. When I was there, he would soften up and embrace me.
Over the years he stiffened up and gave me very brief hugs. For a while I just brushed off this thought. I thought it was silly, and I judged myself for thinking it.
In time I accepted the fact that it is not wrong for me to want to be embraced by my dad.
It is so normal and right.
And I wanted to be in a relationship with my dad where we embraced each other.
So I told him.
I called him and after a few minutes of catching up said, "Dad can I share something that's kind of uncomfortable for me to say?"
"Of course," he said.
And I told him exactly what I just told you.
Without skipping a beat he said, "I didn't even realize that. I would love to hug you like that again. Thank you for telling me."
Our hugs have been great ever since. And I feel closer.
For years after that I just always held the intention of continuing to deepen my relationship with both of my parents.
I paid closer attention to what was going on in their lives, and I became more curious about them. I asked questions about what their dreams were, how they really felt about things going on in their lives, about their past, etc.
I wrote them letters thanking them for all of the things they’ve taught me, all of the personality traits that I’ve picked up from them, and every other thing I could think of that has contributed to my success and happiness in life.
Letters letting them into my life. Letters acknowledging them for their accomplishments and how they go through their lives.
It all worked. I felt closer.
Then a couple years ago I started having feelings of wanting to be even closer.
A friend of mine asked me what I was doing when I felt the closest to my parents. I told him that it was when I was in rehab. He asked me what was different about our relationship then from now.
The difference: I was sharing my own shit. My own struggles.
I was at the lowest point of my life. They saw me fully.
After treatment, for years they would check in on me when we'd talk and ask me how I was really doing.
Over time, as I healed and started thriving, there was less need for them to check in on me so often.
Naturally, I also wanted them to think highly of me and to always think I was doing well. So I shared less and less of any challenges that I was going through in life.
By focusing on being curious and only asking them questions without sharing about meaningful things myself, I was expecting vulnerability without being so myself.
I saw that if I wanted my relationship to be deeper yet again, I would have to share my own shit first.
The shit is unique because it's what we're afraid of people knowing.
We're afraid that if they know just how selfish we've been, just how complacent we've been in some area of our life, just how afraid we are of whatever that they will love us less. Or respect us less. Or just think less of us.
But usually it's the stuff we most need to share. Because when we share we get to feel that we are not alone. That they still love us. That they still respect us. That everything is ok. That leads to deeper connection.
It also allows us to love and respect ourselves more.
So I tried it out.
I called my parents, and shared exactly what I just shared with you.
After that I said, "What's going on for me right now is that I really miss you guys. I miss our whole family in Louisiana. Part of me has a story that y'all are all closer to each other than you are to me, and that hurts."
There was no blaming or make-wrong, I was just telling them that I was sad.
My parents are fucking rockstars.
They didn't try to fix my feelings or squirm out of the discomfort. They just sat there and witnessed me being sad.
That took courage and skill.
Then they melted. They both thanked me for the entire conversation and said how much they missed me as well.
Then, with tears in his eyes, my dad shared with me how connected he felt to me the week before when we were both hunting together.
He said he was sitting in the deer stand thinking about how his grandfather had hunted on the same land 50 years earlier, and now he was hunting with his son and grandson. He felt connected to something bigger than himself.
I was blown away by the immediate effect my going first had. I shared what was going on for me, and my parents immediately reciprocated. Just like that we had the deepest conversation we'd had in years, and we have continued on that path.
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"Relationships are the single most important thing to you and your life."
Every one of us craves more depth and intimacy in our relationships.
Parents, partners, friends, kids.
As Brene Brown teaches, I've learned to "go first" when it comes to vulnerability. I've learned to stop waiting for people to share what's really on their hearts and minds and to just share first. They reciprocate almost without fail.
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One Ask
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Peace,
Michael