How to crank gratitude up to 1000
ICU, Living Funerals, Die Wise
Hey friends,
I’m back after taking a break from sending these newsletters and getting some feedback from you. The general consensus was that most people enjoyed the non-fiction style newsletters most. So I’m going back to sending one of these a couple times per month, and I may send occasional longer pieces both non-fiction and fiction when time permits.
Ok, today I want to share some thoughts on death and dying and how I’ve been finding more gratitude for those in my life. I’ll also share with you the newest project I’ve been working on at the end.
If you liked reading this, click the ❤️ button so more people can discover it on Substack 🙏
About 8 years ago I got a call that my best friend, Bryce, was in the ICU in Lima, Peru. Over the next 24 hours we decided that I would escort his mom out there, which I assumed was because they thought he was going to die.
The night before I was to head out, I was in the car with Adee when a song came on that Bryce often played. I started sobbing as it hit me for the first time that I might actually lose him. Over dinner Adee asked me to tell her the story of us meeting and deepening our friendship, my favorite stories with him, and what I loved about him most. It was a beautiful night.
I got out there with his mom the next day. Then after spending two weeks in a coma, Bryce made a full recovery. 🙏
When that song came on in the car with Adee, my grief and fear of losing him became inseparable from the love and gratitude I had for him.
Since then I’ve often thought about how to invoke those feelings for the people I love before they’re on their deathbeds.
For instance, I often hold my little girl before she goes to sleep and imagine her dying early, completely unexpectedly. Dozens of times these visualizations have felt so real I’ve been moved to tears. And each time I’ve felt a profound sense of love for her that has carried over into my interactions with her. Each time I remind myself of what’s important in my life and what’s distracting me from what’s important.
This idea is very old. Buddhists, Christians, Stoics, and more have had practices or rituals of meditating on their own death and that of those they love for thousands of years.
These practices are how we can know what we’ve got before it’s gone.
It’s like tending a garden. Each thought or visualization of loss is a seed planted in the soil of your mind. This garden isn't meant to grow fear, but rather to cultivate gratitude and awareness of life's impermanence. Just as a gardener cherishes each bloom because they know it’s temporary, we can learn to cherish each moment with loved ones.
A New Project I’m Working On
Imagine, for a moment, that one of your grandparents or parents were to pass away tomorrow. Reflect on the conversations left unspoken, the stories untold, the wisdom unshared. The "what ifs" and "I wish I had knowns" that would surface.
Now, envision a different scenario. Imagine them being given the opportunity to sit before a camera, surrounded by loved ones, in a celebratory atmosphere, to share the story of their life. Picture a gathering where they recall parts of their lives they’ve never spoken of, share their highest highs and lowest lows, and impart the most significant lessons they've learned. This isn't just a recollection of life; it's a legacy in the making.
Then imagine that, after they've shared their story, the audience — family and friends — would have a chance to express their admiration, their gratitude, and the impact the individual has had on their lives.
This is the newest project I’m working on.
For those nearing the end of their life, this project aims to provide a platform for them to share, to celebrate, and to find peace in their final days. It's about honoring their journey, acknowledging their struggles, and celebrating their triumphs. It’s an opportunity to know and understand our loved ones before it's too late.
I started this journey with my own grandparents several years ago, interviewing three out of four so far. Despite our closeness, I realized I had only scratched the surface of truly knowing them. Many people I've shared this idea with express a deep desire to do the same with their loved ones.
If you know someone who might cherish such an opportunity to share their story, I would love to hear from you.
Some great resources I’ve found on death and dying
🎧 BJ Miller, The Man Who Studied 1,000 Deaths to Learn How to Live on The Tim Ferriss Show
🪦 Death Over Dinner, an approachable format for discussing death with those you love
🎥 Meet Claire, Finding Beauty in the Sadness (YouTube video)