How to Fuck Up Your Sex Life: A Guide

3 R's, 6 Mistakes, and Massive Tips

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Are you a nice Christian man who got married at 18 so that you could start having sex, but now you’re 1+ year in, and now you want to bail, but also still get into heaven? You’re in the right place. We created this short guide just for you.

Let’s cut to the chase: to be relieved of the burden of your relationship while still securing a place in eternal glory, you need her to divorce you. But obviously you can’t advertise this to her, as she might notify your local pastor. 

You need to ruin your relationship covertly, to the point where she despises you. And the highest-leverage, most direct way of doing this is to fuck up your sex life. We don’t need to give you the entire encyclopedia of ruin-your-relationship practices and strategies. This will suffice.

You might say something like, “Yeah but lots of people had shitty sex for decades but stayed together.” You’re right, but if you use the simple, and often overlooked, strategies in this turnkey process, you’ll ruin not only your sex life, but also any level of trust and respect she has for you.

What you’ll learn in this guide:

• A 3 R’s Method: The Autobahn of disconnection (real fast)

• The top 6 things you must avoid when trying to kill eroticism in your relationship

• Miscellaneous tips to make yourself disgusting and undesirable

Let’s dive in.

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If you're truly committed to fucking up your sex life, follow the 3 R's Rule.

1. Routine. The first step is to create a completely rigid, all encompassing routine. Like, way too much of it. In and out of the bedroom, nothing is more boring than doing the same thing over and over and over. 

   You want each one of your days and weeks to look exactly the same. The north star is for there to be between 15-30 minutes of total free time per week. You may never achieve this, but if you want to diminish the opportunity for connective time and spontaneous feelings of sexual energy, then you must strive for as little free time as possible. While you are striving towards Free-Time-Zero™ you should also be doing the same exact thing leading up to and in bed every single time. 

   Step 1: Approach her and proposition her for sex in the most unappealing way possible.

Step 2: Take your clothes off immediately and skip all foreplay.

Step 3: Go straight to the missionary position and stay there.

Step 4: If it starts feeling good, pretend like it doesn’t. Like you’re hurting or better yet try to give her the feeling that you’re faking it.

As a bonus, sprinkle in some awful timing and seduction techniques. Approach her in the middle of her workday, immediately or even during a workout, or as one of your babies is crying in her arms. 

2. Responsibility. There are few things less sexy than having 15 different things you're responsible for and worried about forgetting. But it’s not enough JUST to have a ton of responsibilities. If you “leave work at work” for instance, then you won’t have the desired effect. You want your work and other responsibilities to bleed into every crevice and spare moment in your life. Especially first thing in the morning, during the rare times when you actually have sex, and right before bed. You want to constantly send the message that many, many things are more important to you than your partner. Also avoid proactively looking for ways to be alone with her free of responsibilities. No sexy date nights and absolutely no couples retreats without the kids (more on this in the next section).
   

3. Resentment. This is the motherlode. Honestly if you master this one thing it makes all of the other tactics completely irrelevant. First, if you don’t have kids yet, have them fast and very close together. When she’s pregnant, alternate between ignoring her and making light of her pain and discomfort. 

   Tell her you know lots of women that didn’t complain when they were pregnant and that you’re actually disappointed in her. 

   Also, while she’s pregnant, start making significantly more sexual comments about other women. 

Always avoid trying to anticipate her needs, avoid giving her extra grace and space for her emotions, and avoid spending time with her in general. 

Now once the kids start popping out, you ALMOST don’t even have to do anything. The resentments will come. But you’re committed to having her end this thing as quickly as possible so here are just a couple of things you can do to maximize the resentment.

• If she is waking up to breastfeed your infant multiple times per night for months and getting strung out on no sleep, you will never fully understand her. And she doesn’t need you to. What she needs is for you to listen to her and feel grateful as fuck for her. I tell you this because you are human, and if you’re not careful, you could end up feeling empathetic towards her and making her feel supported and connected to you. So instead you want to either try to fix it, ignore it, or belittle it. Give her tactics, things you do when you’re going through a hard time, etc.

• If she is doing more of the childcare she probably has the harder job of the two of you no matter how many hours you’re working. You can never acknowledge or reveal this. Write down a list of everything you do to support the family, and amplify the hell out of it. If you work 35 hours a week to put food on the table even though she also works, then say you work 90 hours a week. To make sure she believes you, just spend those extra hours scrolling social media at the office and watching OnlyFans. Then actively undermine and discredit every single thing she does.

Now if you refuse to have your own children or to adopt… there’s still hope. Many partners without kids hate each other and have been employing tried and true strategies for millenia. Neglection, breaking promises, and saying hurtful things about their partners and others that their partner loves just to name a few.

With resentments the key is to let them fester. Don’t talk about them when they’re small, don’t take accountability for your part, and I’m sure it goes without saying, but definitely don’t create a regular ritual where you discuss tensions in the relationship.

The top 6 things you must avoid when trying to kill eroticism in your relationship. 

NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES should you do the following:

1. Get clear about what she needs from you to feel loved and cared for (such as by asking her) and then follow through by doing those things consistently. The problem with this is that it will lead to her feeling connected to you, and that's the last thing you need when you're trying to fuck up your sex life.

2. Flirt with her throughout the day. This could drive some blood to her genital region giving her the idea that you desire her, which you do not and must not. Nothing fucks up you fucking up your sex life like you getting horny and having great, unplanned sex.

3. Demonstrate respect and admiration by praising and encouraging her. Annie Lalla says “We don’t love our partners as much as we love who we get to become in their presence.” So make sure she feels insignificant and diminished in your presence.. When she tells you something she’s excited about, pretend to ignore it. Change the topic quickly and start talking about yourself or even better demean what she’s interested in making it seem petty or silly.

4. Talk about what you both desire and what you fantasize about in a safe, judgment-free way. This is a huge no-no. It can be very exciting and can feel like unlocking new worlds of sexual possibility. Instead, if she ever mentions one of her fantasies, laugh at it, and then shame her for having it. For instance, if she says she's fantasized about role playing as a cop, you could say something like "that sounds pretty gross. What happened to you in your childhood to make you think that sort of thing is acceptable? Please don’t answer that. I don’t care. I don't want to be around you right now."

5. Be attuned to her desires in bed and decisive with your movements. Sex goes best when there is a "ravisher and ravishee" or a dominant and submissive. This can be red fucking hot to a submissive woman, and should be avoided at all costs. First off, use this time to think about something other than what you're doing presently. Like what if you became an influencer and influenced other people to become influencers? Be somewhere else than where you are. That's step 1. Then, make sure to give off the impression that you: a. don't know what you're doing, b. are really insecure and worrying about what she's thinking, c. are judging her, and d. are maybe on adderall because you seem to be intently focused on something that isn't having sex with her, such as cleaning the room as soon as you're done.

6. Do fun, novel shit together. On the surface, this one likely seems harmless. Wrong! Discovering new things about yourselves, doing edgy or slightly scary things together, are all sexy. Avoid traveling and vacations at all costs. If you must travel, bring the kids and make plans without her leaving her alone with the kids in an unfamiliar and stressful environment.

Miscellaneous tips to make yourself disgusting and undesirable

Since sex is such a vulnerable act, it can also be a good idea to use some destructive tactics during. In no particular order here are a few to try:

• When having sex, randomly laugh. When she awkwardly says, “What?” say “Nevermind.”

• Make fast, jittery moves, and always change direction. Think about trying to "shake off" a cornerback who’s running after you.

• Be really indecisive and regularly say, "I don't know what to do, what do you think we should do next?"

• Breathe weird. Really fast for 5 breaths, then 1 abnormally large breath, then maybe a couple sporadic, then hold your breath for a while. 

Now I have the utmost confidence that with the tools I’ve given you today, you will go out and completely ruin your relationship. She will file for divorce, and you will be free of her and of God’s wrath. 

But what if there were another option? An option where I walked with you, hand in hand, throughout this process to ensure you destroy this thing as aggressively as possible. Being there in your ear to remind you of your purpose, to berate you if you say something kind or sexy, and to keep you accountable for hitting your goals. 

If that sounds interesting to you, just reply to this directly and say “Burn it down.”