I held this secret for 2 years
Mexican sweat lodge, Rumi, sense-making, and bragging
Hey there,
A couple things before we get started...
I had Lucas Krump, CEO and co-founder of EVRYMAN, on the podcast recently. We talk about why we crave connection so much, creating intentional men's groups and more.
The first Soul Searching Adventure of 2022 is in February in Texas. It will be shorter and more accessible for anyone that does have 7 full days to spend on a trip. If you're interested you can apply here.
Now onto the Exhale…
Gettin real at the bachelor party...
Last weekend I was at a bachelor party in Mexico City. On Saturday we did a Temezcal, a traditional sweat lodge, with a shaman from the jungles of Mexico.
This is it ^^^
All 16 of us sat huddled up in a circle around 20+ volcanic rocks that had been sitting in a fire for hours. They were red hot.
The shaman closed the door of the tiny hut. He threw cup full after cup full of water on the stones turning it into a blazing hot steam room. It was pitch black.
Over the next hour many men cried. Some screamed with rage. At one point the shaman asked, "Does anyone have a song that his father used to sing to him?” I sang "Skitta marinky dinky dink, skittamarinky doo, I loooove you," and everyone laughed.
The shaman talked to us about fear.
He said that fear is our biggest enemy in life. It is the only thing between us and what we want. He told us that to get through it we must learn to embrace it.
Embrace it? Why didn't he say "Push through it?" or "Conquer it?"
This hit home for me. I sat back and reflected on the concept of embracing my fears.
When we bottle up or try to push away emotions or stories, they always come back, and they come back stronger. "What we resist persists."
When we befriend them, or embrace them, we are able to find more compassion for ourselves. They become more bearable. Byron Katie calls this "loving what is." Another way of saying accepting reality.
For instance, there was a period of my life where I started becoming aware of a specific thought. I would be in a conversation with some people and think, "I am better than you."
The first time I became aware of that thought I remember thinking, "Whoa, that was fucking arrogant. That's not true."
I suspect that these thoughts had always been there, but I was just now becoming conscious of them. I tried to push the thought away aggressively.
It came back again, and again, and again. Sometimes I would be mid-conversation and it would pop up. There would be a stream of thoughts about who's better than who and why.
I typically share all my struggles and challenges with those closest to me.
Not this one. Not a soul.
I feared that everyone, even my wife and my closest friends, would judge me and think I was a fraud. That I didn't care about them.
After about two years I finally worked up the courage to ask someone, "Can I tell you something?".
I felt like I was coughing up some giant shame hairball. If you've ever had to make a big apology or reveal something you've been hiding, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
After listening to my whole spiel, the guy thanked me for telling him. Then he giggled. He straight up laughed at me.
He said something like, "So what you're telling me is that you're a man whose brain has evolved for thousands of years to be highly competitive. That there is a part of you that wants to be better than people. Guess what? Me too. And every other man in this room. You're not alone."
Sharing that shit really, really helped me.
Almost immediately, something shifted inside of my mind.
When thoughts like, "I'm better than you" would pop up in my mind, I embraced them.
Instead of outcasting them and feeling down about myself I would instead think, "Oh hey there competitive Michael. Thank you for everything you've brought to my life. Thank you for helping me succeed in Crossfit, in business, etc. I don't need you right now though. I'm in the middle of a conversation."
My tone was soft. It was as if I was saying, "I understand you. You aren't wrong for having these thoughts. Everyone wants to be liked and to be significant." Since that day that pattern has nearly disappeared.
Every single one of us has emotions that we are unwilling to feel at times. Thoughts we are unwilling to look at or admit.
By tending to them as we would a close friend, with care and curiosity, we can experience them with more ease and even learn from them.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi
A few more things I want to share with you this week:
A quote that's been on my mind a lot
"The story you hold of someone is an invitation for them to become that." -Charles Eisenstein
A podcast on how to make sense of what's going on in the world right now
Daniel Schmachtenberger on the Modern Wisdom Podcast.
A few takeaways:
Beware of your own certainty
Before forming your own view you must fully understand what the conflicting views are first
You can’t possibly make sense of everything going on right now. Instead focus on making sense of the things that align with your capabilities and interests. The place where you can make the biggest contribution.
Something I want to brag to you about
Several years ago there was this thing on the internet called the Bring Sally Up Challenge.
The challenge was to sit down in a squat the entire song, and when the artist says "Up" you stand up and squat back down. You had to do this with 135lbs on your back to complete the challenge.
I'm sure there are lots of people that have completed it, but I don't know any. For some reason my body was made for this song. Not only did I do it with 135lbs, but I did it with 155lbs in the LSU weight room.
And with that, enjoy the hell out of your weekend.
Peace,
Michael