When Adee and I first met, we were obsessed with each other. We spent every waking moment together.
Then one day, 6 months into our relationship, I told her I needed a little more space in my life. I needed more solo time and time with friends.
To this day we joke about her response. She said, very dramatically, "Well I'm going to have to think about this. I mean, this just changes everything."
She was terrified that my desire for space meant I loved her less. I was terrified that I would be smothered in the relationship and lose myself.
Then Annie Lalla taught us that relationships require space just as much as they require closeness and intimacy.
Like the ebb and flow of an ocean tide.
Like inhaling and exhaling.
Like the expansion and contraction of the universe.
We need intimacy to deepen our connection with each other. We need space to stay connected to ourselves.
Annie taught us that in a healthy relationship there is always an I-Centered Person and a We-Centered Person.
The I-Centered Person is usually:
Better at taking care of his or her personal needs
More connected to his or her innate desires
Craves and requires more space in life and in conflict
Can be seen as being selfish at times
The We-Centered Person is usually
More aware of and better at taking care of the needs of the relationship
More willing to do what the other wants to do
Craves and requires closeness in life and physical touch in conflict
Can be seen as needy at times
When we got together I essentially hired Adee to train me to be a better team player. To think of the group before myself more often. To be more present with others.
She hired me to train her how to "self." How to think about her own desires more often. How to identify and cultivate her own passions so that when she had space she knew how she wanted to use it.
We learned that space wasn't just for me. Even though I craved it more than her, it was something that we both needed.
One of my gifts to the relationship (as the I-Centered Person) was standing for both of us getting more freedom and autonomy.
The problem was when I realized I needed more space, I just took it. I would just plan to hang out with friends or to go off on my own often without consulting Adee or sometimes without even letting her know. The more I did this the more she started to seem "needy" to me.
That's when I discovered that relationships are like Chinese finger traps. In order to get more freedom I had to surrender and give up some of my freedom. I had to move in the opposite direction of what I wanted initially. More high quality US time.
The more I pulled away, the tighter she held on.
The more I planned creative date nights, or flirted with her, or came home and gave her 100% of my attention, the more she wanted to give me space.
Since meeting Adee, I have constantly felt like I'm leaning over an edge - spending more time with and giving more attention to her than feels comfortable, trusting that what lies on the other side of this is better than anything I could ever imagine. And it is worth it every single time.
When I do this I feel more in love with her. I remember why I married her. And she gives me more space than I could ever ask for.
This poem from Khalil Gibran's, The Prophet, elegantly expresses our need for intimacy AND space.
On marriage
You were born together, and together you
shall be forevermore.
 You shall be together when the white
wings of death scatter your days.
 Ay, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
 But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
 And let the winds of the heavens dance
between you.
 Love one another, but make not a bond
of love:
 Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
 Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
 Give one another of your bread but eat
not from the same loaf.
 Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
 Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
 Give your hearts, but not into each
other’s keeping.
 For only the hand of Life can contain
your hearts.
 And stand together yet not too near
together:
 For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
 And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.
In the two weddings that I had the privilege of officiating this year I read this poem, and then said, "See the need for space like the need for air. Explore and maintain separate interests and adventures. This creates a sense of unknown in the other which stokes the fire of passion."
You cannot make or maintain a fire without air. Removing air "smothers" it.
A few other things I want to share with you
A coffee table that creates mandala art in sand…automatically
An incredible piece of art developed by a mathematicianÂ
I saw one of this guy's pieces in Wonderspaces in Austin (highly recommend), and was stunned. This piece of art and his entire collection of pieces is pretty incredible.
Ok that's all I have for you this week.
Peace,
Michael