Hey friend,
Before we get started, I want to let you know I just released a podcast episode with my mentor Philip Mckernan. We talk about the MOST important personal development work one can do and much more. Philip is an absolute master life coach and guide and is just so full of wisdom.
Now for a short story…
Jeronimooooooo
There once was a monkey named Jeronimo. He was the type of monkey that they said had a banana chip on his shoulder. He was a real asshole.
For instance, at the watering hole one day, he walked over to a little lady monkey and said he had a secret to tell her. Skeptical, she took a step back. But her interest was piqued. "What is it?" she asked. He looked at his cupped hands, as if he was concealing something. "I found a treasure." She took a couple steps forward and leaned in. "What is it?" "My shit you stupid monkey bitch!!!!" and he slammed it in her face.
Jeronimo didn't have many friends, and he cried himself to sleep many nights in secret.
On the other hand, he was one of the best banana hoarders in all of the forest. He was admired for his hoarding abilities. Apes of all kinds talked about him in awe. He had so many bananas he made a habit of pretending to masturbate (the banana being his penis) and squeezing the banana out of the peel as he "climaxed." Gross, I know.
One day, sleeping on a branch, he awoke to a rustling sound. Looking up he saw a monkey that looked like an angel. She had the reddest eyes he had ever seen. And he liked red eyes... like a lot.
Wanting to make a good first impression he pretended not to notice her and started wiping his ass with unpeeled bananas, throwing them away after each wipe. This way she would recognize how wealthy he was.
"What the hell are you doing!?" the red eyed monkey asked.
"Huh? Who me?" said Jeronimo. "What's it look like I'm doing? I'm wiping my ass. I got bananas for days girl. Don't worry about me."
"Oh wow," she said. "I didn't realize you had so many. That's extremely cool of you."
"Really!?" Jeronimo exlaimed.
"Oh yes, my little monkey pussy is just dripping wet over here. What a man you are! I'd love to have your babies... No dumbass not really. And the next banana you wastefully toss away I will grab and ram up your ass."
Jeronimo's eyes went wide... and he got a small chubby. This girl was different. No one had ever talked to him like that. And those red eyes!!!
"What's your name?" he asked.
Coldly, she answered, "Yoko," and moved to leave.
"Wait!" said Jeronimo. "I know I've made a poor first impression. Please give me another chance. I will do whatever it takes to make you my wife."
She spit out some of the banana she was eating. "Hah! Me? Marry YOU? I'd rather marry a disabled Orangutan." Then after a pause, "However, if you are determined, then it is possible. If I am to be your wife you must pass three tests."
"Yes! Yes! Tell me what the tests are," he said.
"Tomorrow," she said, "go to the main circle in the forest, and three brothers will be waiting for you."
"I'll hang those monkeys by their throats one by one," he thought.
The next morning he entered the circle in the forest and waited. As the three brothers approached he took a fighting stance. They took one look at him and left.
Elated, Jeronimo sought out Yoko to tell him how he'd already passed the first test.
After telling her what had happened she simply said, "I'm testing you to see if you can love. Fear is not love. You have failed miserably."
Now he understood.
The next day he showed up in the circle, and the three brothers approached. They sat across from him and waited. He said, "Hi I'm Jeronimo..." and he launched into a story about how he had collected so many bananas and how he planned to get many more and how he had eaten so many mangoes one day he vomited and how all of the other monkeys feared him and so on.
He even had the bright idea to say, "Since you are great friends now, I would like to give you each 1000 bundles of bananas. And I will even store them for you."
"Oh wow! So impressive! And such a generous offer! Thank you Jeronimo," one said.
Nodding his head, Jeronimo got up and left, knowing he had conquered the first test.
After telling her what had happened, Yoko said, "Admiration is not love. Bribes are not love. You're an even bigger piece of shit than you look like. Move on to the next test and come back to this one when you are ready. Go to the main circle in the forest tomorrow, and three sisters will be waiting for you."
"Banging three monkey ladies at once!?" he thought. "Could this be a trap that is just too good to be true? Nooo much too sophisticated for a woman monkey given that they only have brains the size of a poppy seed."
The next day he showed up to the main circle in the forest. As he waited, he prepared himself. As the three sisters approached, they could see that his penis was as hard as a bamboo stick and red as a fire. They shrieked and left immediately.
Knowing he had failed, he did not seek out Yoko this time. He knew he would have to slow boil these broads. So he showed up the next morning in the main circle in the forest.
This time he brought some fresh meats and homemade wine. The three sisters showed up, and he offered them the food and wine. They ate and drank and had some laughs. In the end he brought them all back to his tree limb and had sex with them.
Immediately after, he swung to seek out Yoko.
After he told her what had happened she said, "Sex is not love. You simply used each other for pleasure. You've failed again."
Dumbfounded, he went back to his branch to sleep.
The next morning he went to the main circle in the forest and waited for the three women to show up. When they did, he asked them to share all of their problems with him. All of their challenges. One by one he gave them advice and explained how he would fix each one. They listened and said things like "yeah that's a good idea" or "you're so smart."
Confident he had passed this test he sought out Yoko.
After telling her what had happened she said, "Fixing is not loving. You have failed again. Move on to the third test and come back to the other two later. I can't say I'm surprised. You never stood a chance."
Feeling ultimately defeated, he slumped away.
Still the next morning he showed up at the main circle of the forest not knowing what to expect.
After some time an elder walked into the circle and introduced himself as Adisa.
"Tell me boy," Adisa said quietly, "what do you really think about yourself?"
Jeronimo thought carefully, wanting to finally pass one of the tests. He told the elder about all of his careful accumulation of bananas. He told him about all of the important monkeys he knew in other areas of the forest. He told him of the women he had slept with. All of the men he had fought and beaten. He said he thought he should be the king of these lands.
Adisa sat there quietly, listening. When Jeronimo finished there was a long pause. Then Adisa said, "And how do you really FEEL about yourself?"
"What the hell could this old man mean?" he thought, "Obviously I feel amazing about myself."
So he said, "What do you mean how do I FEEL about myself? Didn't I just tell you?"
Adisa said, "You just told me what you THINK of yourself. But I suspect that you don't FEEL very good about yourself. In fact I think you hate yourself. So I ask you again, how do you really feel about yourself?"
For a moment Jeronimo felt a tidal wave of rage rise within. Then he felt sick. And then the tears came. And they came. And they came.
After several minutes, he wiped snot off his nose with a big leaf. After several more minutes his crying stopped. And he said, "I hate myself. Nothing I ever do is enough. No amount of bananas is ever enough."
Adisa looked him in the eyes lovingly. Then he asked, "Who's voice is that Jeronimo?"
"Who's voice is what?" Jeronimo said confused.
Adisa said, "That's not your voice telling you that it's not enough. Who's voice is that?"
Thinking, Jeronimo said, "My father," and he started sobbing again. After a couple minutes he said, "My dad always pushed me and no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, his response was always the same. You could have done better."
Adisa shook his head. "Yes," he said, "and now you've spent your entire life trying to prove yourself to your father. In doing so you like to pretend that you are MORE than enough. That you are MORE than everyone. All to cover up not feeling enough. You do this with your brothers, with your sisters, and most importantly with yourself."
Go into the forest until you've seen two full moons. That is where your self love will be tested.
"This little red eyed monkey better be worth it," he thought as he walked deep into the forest alone.
On the first day his head throbbed. He was furious at his dad for the way he treated him and spoke to him growing up. The second day it throbbed some more. He thought of the way he'd intimidated men and felt embarrassed for all of the ways that he pushed them away in his attempts to gain their admiration. On the third day it throbbed some more as he agonized over all of the women he had hurt. How he had disrespected and used them. For the fact that he never cared about them but just tried to get them onto the branch.
He quit before he made it to the first full moon.
Dejected, he walked back to the main circle in the forest and collapsed in a heap on the ground.
After some time the elder showed up. He sat down beside Jeronimo in silence. After a few moments passed Jeronimo lamented, "Adisa, I have failed. I have failed to love my brothers. I have failed to love my sisters. And most of all I have failed to love myself. I will never be worthy of Yoko."
"Son," Adisa started, "this humility you demonstrate is a good first step." He continued, "Your entire life your actions have screamed, 'Look at me! Care about me! Love me!' and never 'I care about you.' If you truly want to experience the feeling of love, then share it with others first. You may want to start over with the first test tomorrow." And he left.
The next day Jeronimo entered the main circle in the forest and waited. The three brothers approached and sat down. Jeronimo looked confused. And then angry. And then he sighed saying, "I'm sorry brothers. I'm sorry for all of the times I intimidated you. For all the times I fought you. For always talking about myself and never asking you how your day was. I've never told anyone this but I pretend like the most confident monkey in the forest, but inside I feel ashamed and small. And I've been afraid that if you knew that about me then you'd dislike me even more than you do now."
One of the brothers walked over, put his hands on Jeronimo's shoulder and said, "Thank you Jeronimo. I have felt this way too. I could never relate to you when you were being Mr. Super Successful Banana Hoarding Monkey Playboy. This I can relate to. In fact I see you as a bigger monkey than I did before you told me this. It takes courage to reveal what is in your heart."
A warmth spread over Jeronimo. A weight was lifted and his shoulders relaxed. He breathed more easily.
"Thank you," he said. Then, genuinely curious, he asked them all about themselves. The men told stories. They told each other things they had never told anyone. They laughed until their bellies hurt. Jeronimo offered to go and get everyone fresh bananas and water. When they were tired of talking they played the game "Who can launch themselves furthest using only their tail?" and the juvenile game they had learned as kids... the gay test: You slap your penis against another monkey's penis, and the first to get hard is the gayest.
Finally exhausted, it was time for everyone to leave and go home for the night. One of the brothers embraced Jeronimo and said, "I love you brother." "I love you too," said Jeronimo.
The next morning Jeronimo walked to the main circle in the forest and waited. The three sisters showed up and sat down.
Jeronimo got on his knees and said, "Sisters I am deeply sorry. I feel ashamed of how I have treated you the other day and my entire life. In my longing for pleasure, I used you without regard for your needs or feelings. I made jokes about you having small brains to cover up my insecurity about my own intellect. I could never look my mother in the eye if she knew how I had treated you. I would do anything to make up for this."
One of the sisters walked over and put her hand on Jeronimo's shoulder. "Thank you Jeronimo. All of those times you disrespected us and used us made us feel small and insignificant. I feel seen and respected in this moment."
"Thank you," he said. Then, genuinely curious, he asked them all about themselves. The woman told stories. They gossiped. They talked about tree sap that you women were putting on their nipples to make them shine and stand out more. About going "fruit free" because "too much fructose makes monkey's fat."
Jeronimo asked about their hopes and dreams, and he enthusiastically encouraged each one of them to follow their passions. When the night came to a close, one of the sisters embraced Jeronimo. "I love you brother," she said. "I love you too sister." Jeronimo walked over to his tree and climbed up to his branch.
Laying down, he felt a yummy feeling in his chest. He felt truly connected to other monkeys for the first time in his life. He felt ready for his third and final test.
The next morning he walked deep into the forest.
On the first day he explored the area. When he was hungry he grabbed a mango or banana off of a tree. When he was tired he made himself a bed out of leaves on the ground and laid down. He did this for days until the first moon came and passed.
Then he became bored. Then his head throbbed. He thought of the way he'd intimidated men and felt embarrassed for all of the ways that he pushed them away in his attempts to gain their admiration. But this time a new thought occurred to him, "I was just doing the best I knew how at the time," and the throbbing in his head subsided.
The next day it throbbed some more as he agonized over all of the women he had hurt. How he had disrespected and used them. For the fact that he never cared about them but just tried to get them onto the branch. But this time, the same thought occurred to him, "I was just doing the best I knew how at the time," and the throbbing in his head subsided.
The next day he became furious at his dad for the way he treated him and spoke to him growing up. But this time a new thought occurred to him. "My dad was doing the best he knew how." He forgave his dad.
The next day he thought about everything that he was ever ashamed about as a kid. Every moment of embarrassment and insecurity. And for the first time he didn't feel angry at that little kid. He felt the hurt. And he felt sorry for him. He imagined himself walking over to that little kid and scooping him up in his arms. He imagined himself lifting the boys face so that their eyes met. He said, "I've got you now." The boy slept with him all night.
When he awoke, he was a new monkey. His mind was clear, and he felt something he had never felt. He thought it's what they called "peace."
For several days he explored. He ate. He rested. He thought about lots of things. And he felt at peace.
When the second moon finally rose over the trees, Jeronimo didn't want to leave. He was afraid that when he went back to his community things would go back to the way things were. Disconnected. Alone.
As the skies darkened he thought he saw a shape in the stars. A crib.
A voice whispered in his ear, "The more I can love all of me, the more I can love others."
And with that he laid his head down for his final sleep deep in the forest.
The next morning he made his way back to his community. Waiting for him there in the main circle in the forest were the three brothers, the three sisters, Adisa, and Yoko.
Jeronimo sat down and met their eyes, one at a time. There was no posturing. No insecurity. No bravado. And no shame. With his eyes he thanked each one of them for the part they had played in his transformation.
Adisa spoke softly, "He loves himself Yoko. He is ready to love you."