Hey friend,
One housekeeping item before we get started:
The next Soul Searching Adventure is in March. I have spots for 2 more guys that want more clarity on their purpose in life, crave deeper brotherhood, and want to go on an epic adventure. On this trip you will have the space and guidance to contemplate some of your life’s biggest questions.
If you want to feel more ALIVE and CONNECTED I’d love to have you.
If you’re interested for yourself, or for someone else as a Christmas gift, you can go here to learn more and apply.
Ok now on to the exhale…
My lowest rating ever
I awoke at 10:45pm one night a few weeks ago to Adee tapping me on the shoulder. She wanted to talk.
Why the fuck are you waking me up right now!? I thought.
She told me that she was having a really hard time regulating her emotions. She felt really disconnected from me. She told me that she felt like I was operating at an 8/10 in supporting her, but at a 3/10 as a lover and intimate partner.
We often communicate this way, and that's the lowest that number has ever been.
But after she told me all of this I thought, again, why the fuck are you waking me up to tell me this right now!?
We talked more about how she was feeling. I didn't have much to say in that moment. We rolled over and went to sleep. Further disconnected.
While the 8/10 was massive progress for me from the time when we had our first child, the 3/10 was a new low.
Before this night, she had told me she was too sleep-deprived and consumed with taking care of our little girl to lead in our relationship. So I agreed to lead. But I didn't change anything.
I was helping her make space to work out and do basic self-care practices (supporting her), but I was putting little effort into connection with her (being her intimate partner).
Now she was coming to me in the middle of the night. Not only was she feeling overwhelmed with the new responsibilities of being a mom of two, but now she was feeling almost completely disconnected from her love.
She was drowning, and I wouldn't throw her a life jacket.
Seeds, Saplings, Sturdy Oaks
The average person in a relationship is like a seed that’s just been planted. A seed is completely dependent on outside forces (the sun, the rain, the gardener). It’s fragile. It hasn’t taken root yet.
At this stage you believe your partner makes you feel things, and they’re responsible for your needs. You can't feel better until they make you feel better.
Someone who’s in a strong relationship is like a sapling. Each person has become sturdier on his or her own, able to withstand the elements and changing seasons of life on their own.
At this stage, you realize that you make yourself feel things, and you’re responsible for meeting your own needs. And you’re aware that you make yourself feel things via stories you tell yourself about things that happen. When you notice the story that's making you feel bad, you can change it to another story and feel better.
This stage is about independence. You own your shit. They own theirs.
For most of my relationship with Adee, I thought the independent sapling was the most evolved way of being in a relationship.
Then my friend Andrew Drish challenged me. He suggested that there was an even higher form of relating where I could sense when she was feeling off, and use my gifts to help her and connect with her (not fix her). Humor, physical touch, presence, listening.
At this third stage, each person is a mature oak tree. You have each grown strong and tall and can now provide shade and shelter for others.
In The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida says, "The Superior Man understands that while his woman can escape her darkness on her own, his loving intervention can brighten her mood far more quickly than she could herself. When you refuse to engage with her—when you recoil from her moods in fear and disgust—you teach her that she isn’t always worthy of love. And you practice retreating from challenge, fear, and unpredictability, instead of living at your edge.”
At this stage you realize that you make yourself feel things, you’re responsible for your own needs, and you have some gifts that could make your partner's life easier and more beautiful.
I missed multiple opportunities to be a sturdy oak in the days leading up to that late-night conversation.
Instead of just listening, I slipped into trying to fix her with solutions.
Instead of going over to her on the couch and just holding her for a while, I withdrew physically.
Instead of finding a way to bring humor to her overwhelm, I just sat there with an attitude of I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, but you have to figure your shit out.
Adee is working on communicating her needs more clearly before they overwhelm her. And she has grown leaps and bounds in this area.
I'm working on developing greater sensitivity and attunement to her needs and to the needs of our relationship, and when I have the resources to use my gifts before being asked.
For her. For myself. And for our children.
The past couple weeks I’ve been doing something different. When I sense that she's tense or stressed about something, whether it's directed at me or not, I just go over and put my paws on her. I give her all of my attention. I wrap her up in a big bear hug, and I don't let her go until I can feel her relax or hear her giggle.
As I put my son down a few nights ago, it dawned on me that being a parent is sturdy oak tree training on full blast. I believe that one of the most important things I can do as a dad is regulate my own nervous system so that my children learn how to do it for themselves.
After this year’s highly stimulating Thanksgiving, my son was bouncing off the walls, knocking several cups of water and open Zevia cans off of couches and tables. He was in quite a mood before bed. He was frustrated and crying hysterically. I remained calm, and when we got to his room I got down on all fours like I was a tiger and started to growl and chase him around the room. After resisting for 3 seconds, he suddenly ran away from me giggling and yelling, "Don't get me Baba!" We played our way through the rest of the nighttime routine.
One more thing I'd like to share with you this week
An article on practical strategies for surrender or acceptance. I texted a friend immediately after reading it and said "This is the most important thing I've read in a very long time." I have felt more present and better able to let go of stressful thoughts and emotions. Here's a snippet:
"You must grow to love the idea that everything around you is conspiring in your favor. The good, the bad as defined by traditional societal means, it’s all for you. Specifically, it’s all for happening for maximal spiritual benefit. The goal of consciousness is to become aware of itself through form and it will orchestrate activities through its experience to reveal its true nature. Because at the lower levels of consciousness we are unable to see the totality of the divine orchestration when bad stuff happens it feels like life is happening to us, not for us."
One request
I’m experimenting with something new - answering your questions in the Exhale. Please send me any questions you have that you’d like me to write about. If specificity is helpful, send me your questions about relationships or what to do with stressful feelings like anxiety, fear, envy, etc. Or anything else you think I may have insight on. Just respond to this email.
If you’re looking for a way to gain social status by recommending helpful stuff to people - consider sharing this newsletter with a friend or two. 😉😂