Hey friend,
I just released a podcast episode with my friend Zach Obront. Zach is the co-founder of the book publishing company Scribe. They were voted the best culture in America for their size. In this show we dive into specific things that make their culture amazing. We also discuss his leaving Scribe to go all in on Web3 - cryptoland.
Ok now on to the Exhale...
Relapse
In June of 2009, after 1.5 years of rehab, I relapsed. Hard. I started with some cough syrup and painkillers in the morning, and later that night I was smoking crack and heroin. Within 8 hours everything went down the drain.
What I learned through that experience saved my life. It’s the same lesson that continues to bring meaning and purpose to me today.
And weirdly enough it's the same thing that has helped me get (mostly) over my fear of public speaking, be less awkward around friends, and become more secure in myself.
The Secret to Recovery
It took me about a month to figure out what had happened.
The Big Book of AA says, "Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."
I had become completely self-centered. Self-absorbed. That's what happened.
I had no responsibilities outside of showing up to class for college. With no responsibilities, I could spend all day focusing on my own problems.
My thoughts were centered only on myself, and they drove me to get fucked up.
One of the things I noticed when I got sober again was that the people that seemed happiest in "the rooms" were the ones that were contributing the most. The ones leading meetings, sponsoring others, etc.
This relapse scared the shit out of me, and I was willing to do whatever it took to make sure it never happened again.
This led to me leading a midnight AA meeting every Wednesday night for over a year. I started hosting people in recovery at my house almost every single day. After I worked the steps I sponsored dozens of other alcoholics.
The focus on others gave me a greater purpose. It got me out of my head and gave me a greater sense of peace and ease.
There was certainly more to my recovery like therapy, community, etc. However, this shift was one of the biggest factors and one of the most important lessons I've ever learned.
Insecurities
Self-centeredness is at the root of more than just addiction. It's at the root of all our insecurities.
And it, insecurity, seems to be a part of the human condition.
We all have them. "I'm not lean enough." "They're smarter than me." "I'm not qualified enough for this job." "They know I just farted."
The most important thing is to deal with the root cause of the insecurity - a topic on which many self-help books are written.
However, it's becoming clear that no matter how much "work" I do on myself, there's always more to do. As long as there are people to compare myself to, there will always be a voice telling me that I'm not good enough or someone is better than me. As long as there are people around me period, there will likely be a part of me afraid to say or do the wrong thing.
I don't have time to wait for all of my insecurities to be gone to do the things I want to do.
The way that I’m finding to get around them is the same way I found to stay sober.
The Secret to Letting Go of Insecurities
"The antidote to insecurity is generosity." - Kunal Shah
I love this quote. It reaffirmed something that I learned from world class speaker and life coach Brendon Burchard.
He taught me that the best way to get over nerves while speaking is to take the focus off of yourself and onto the audience. To get into the mindset of service.
When I'm overwhelmed with anxiety it's because I'm focused on how I will look and if people will think I did a good job.
He taught me to instead focus my attention on how I want to serve the audience.
At a wedding I officiated recently for two of my closest friends, I used this.
When they initially asked me to do it I was nervous. Then I remembered it wasn't about me at all. This was about them.
That simple shift in perspective got me out of my head, out of my insecurity, and into action. Into action preparing the best "sermon" I possibly could.
On the day of, I continued to remind myself of this. I was calm and breathing deeply the entire time - focused on them.
Disclaimer - no amount of mental perspective shifting will compensate for a complete lack of preparation... unless you're an expert in whatever topic you're talking about or presenting and can wing it.
The same psychological algorithm that kept our hunter gatherer ancestors from doing anything that would get them kicked out of their tribe is still inside us. We are hardwired to avoid looking bad.
Insecurity is a fear that we are not accepted or won't be accepted after we give the speech, or after we say something awkward in a conversation or anything else our minds can spin up. It's a hyper focus on ourselves, and it makes us feel disconnected from people.
That algorithm is also what makes giving feel so good.
As Sebastian Junger says, we are hardwired to feel necessary. To feel like we make a positive contribution to those around us. Because if we didn't we would have eventually been kicked out of the tribe.
Generosity and service connect us to people. They make us feel needed and appreciated.
Whether in a simple conversation, giving a presentation at work, or giving the biggest speech of your life, ask "how could I best serve the present moment? How could I best serve those around me? How could I be more curious or encouraging to the person in front of me?”
A few other things I want to share with you
I saw the sand one at Burning Man several years ago and my mind was blown. Easily the coolest thing I’ve seen on the internet in a long time.
This really reinforces how I’m trying to approach learning lately. It’s easier to take risks if I consider it to be play.
A quote I loved from Annie Lalla quoting someone else
"The difference between love and true love is the difference between a really large number and infinite."
Peace,
Michael