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Scanning Facebook one day, an ad stood out among my aunt's political rants.
The ad read:
78th Annual COEXIST Conference
🍃 Step into a space of unity, peace, and enlightenment at the 78th Annual COEXIST Spiritual Conference! This year, we journey deeper into the tapestry of humanity's spiritual traditions, exploring the wisdom and insights that weave us together in an increasingly interdependent world.
🌍 Uncover the many paths leading to the divine, from the chants of Buddhist monks, the stirring verses of the Holy Quran, to the gospel songs that echo in Christian cathedrals, and the profound silence of Zen meditation. Immerse yourself in practices ranging from holotropic breathwork to contrast bathing to plant medicine ceremonies to ecstatic dance and everything in between. Engage in open-hearted dialogues that challenge, inspire, and unite.
Secure your spot now for a transformative spiritual adventure!
📅 Date: July 14th, 2019
🕰 Time: 8:00am - 6:00pm 📍Location: The 'Ohm' Sweet 'Ohm' Yoga Compound and Vegan Donut Shop
P.S. ✨ BYOB
A week before this, I would have said that this was the lamest thing on planet earth. But Sunday evening my wife got home from some "Women's Empowerment weekend." She told me she wanted us to start doing breathwork, to set intentions together in the morning, to try tantra, and she said our communication "has a long way to go." She said before that weekend she had been a "muggle,” and implied that I still was one and it was "understandable that I didn't get any of this yet."
Despite my frustration with my wife's newfound arrogance, I had a nagging fear that maybe she was right. I mean, I try my best to be a good person. But I sometimes worry if I'm doing the right things or not, and wonder if there's something more for me.
On paper, my life is pretty cushy, but I'm in a constant state of discontent. I feel anxious in social settings a lot. I feel depressed sometimes feeling like my life is meaningless. And the point of all of the spirituality and religion stuff was to be happier right?
Plus Joe Rogan talks a lot about all of those things, and he seems to know his shit.
So I clicked the link and signed up. What do I have to lose?
A week later, I walked into the conference and was greeted by a man with long, braided hair. He wore a skirt and mandala beads and smelled of body odor and a musky perfume. It was an offensive combination.
“Hello brother. Welcome home.”
He went in for a hug and... wait, he’s trying to hug me on the other side, I thought.
“So our hearts can touch," he smiled.
It was not a good first impression.
“You’re out of integrity, brother."
“What?”
“You’re late. You’re out of integrity.”
WTF?
"Hurry, the opening ceremony is almost over. We’re about to set intentions."
I already wanted to bolt.
Stay. Keep an open mind. This will mean so much to Mona. I coached myself.
“…if you experience contraction, just remember that this moment is here to serve the expansion of your consciousness…” I heard as I entered.
“…tap into the collective field that is created by this group of seekers, committed to their highest calling of unity…”
It was a massive open room that I could only assume was a yoga studio. There must have been 200 people crammed into the room.
I zoned out, taking in this crazy assortment of human beings. I saw many more mandala-wearing hippies. There were priests, muslims, rabbis, some Native Americans in full headdresses, a few monks, and lots of people who looked more like me dressed in regular clothing except they seemed to know what was going on. Everyone was listening intently and beaming at the man addressing the room.
“Your intention for the day…” he was saying, "is like a prayer, a mantra, an affirmation of what you'd like from this experience. Let's take a collective moment of silence now."
Hmmm, I thought, I’d love to be happier and get a sign that I’m on the right path. To be more content and feel like my life has a purpose.
Some people brought their hands together, bowing their heads. Some made the sign of the cross. Some just closed their eyes.
Then, many people started snapping their fingers.
I cringed. Holy shit, this is weird.
"Amen. Aho. Ohm. And so it is. And, as the kids say these days, 'ALL of the things.' Let the 78th Annual COEXIST Conference begin!"
Everyone began moving at once. It seemed that they were grouping up with people just like them, and everyone was going off into other rooms in the massive building.
Not knowing what was going on, I walked into a room. I then sat through a conversation where one of the monks bragged about how many days he had gone without speaking or even eating. He then proceeded to talk us through some sort of imagination exercise where he told us to imagine our ancestors and a bunch of other shit. Looking around 75% of the people in the room were on their phones. I realized I wasn't the only one drifting off. Slipping out quietly, I sought something—anything—more genuine.
I sat in several different rooms throughout the day. I heard a priest sermonizing about the radically progressive nature of Jesus Christ while shamelessly judging those of other faiths.
I tried an ice bath for the first time with some guys yelling at me to "Go Deeper!" and "Surrender!"
I felt pretty good after but decided I'd never do that again.
I walked in on a group of people breathing heavily, lying on the ground, some convulsing and crying. Yeah, no thanks, I thought as I turned back the way I came.
There were a couple things that felt really helpful, though. I did an actual yoga class, and honestly can't remember feeling more relaxed in my body and mind. I promised myself I'd do it again.
I also saw a guy give a talk on "surrender," and how when there's a problem or you feel tension anywhere in your life, you need to "relax into it" rather than push it away. I found it pretty compelling.
Slowly, though, I gathered that most people were more interested in what was happening in between and on the side of the official sessions.
"I've meditated for 2,400 days straight," I heard one guy saying proudly to a small group of others.
"That's admirable. Meditation is a great entry point, a gateway drug for greater transformational practices. I've led 8,000 ayahuasca ceremonies." He glanced around to make sure no one else was around as he pulled down his pants. "My asshole is permanently altered by how many times I've shit myself in ceremony." Wide eyed, the other men looked genuinely impressed.
One guy had done an experiment taking a "heroic dose" of mushrooms every day for a year.
One 60-year-old Native American had done 33 Sundance festivals in as many years. He danced with hooks in the skin of his chest for 4 days each time until the hooks ripped out.
Grimacing at that idea of dancing with hooks, a priest said, "It's fascinating how some choose such... colorful ways to seek God. I've always believed in the power of simplicity and tradition in my journey to connect with the divine. But to each their own, I suppose. Not everyone has the luxury of finding inner peace without such dramatic displays."
The subtle lift of his eyebrow and the faintest hint of a smirk betrayed his underlying sentiment.
One sickly looking man said, "Personally I choose fasting as my means of transcendence. I'm currently going on 62 days without food and one cup of water per day. I continue to experience deeper and deeper levels of my own unfolding."
I spit out some of my tea, which I had decided tasted like the bottom of my foot.
"Dude are you kidding? You look like a towel someone has abusively wrung dry," I said looking around for supporting laughter. I found none.
The emaciated man was standing taller, with his chest puffed up.
"That's a long time, sure," said the priest, "but Jesus did it with no safety net. He just went into the desert. There's something Infinitely more comforting knowing that you could call Uber eats at a moment's notice and get a cheeseburger."
"A cheeseburger?" replied the meditator. "I can't tell if you're kidding or not."
Then all eyes turned back to me, expectantly.
"Well, my wife convinced me to do a juice cleanse once for 3 days. It was awful. I also once went a whole weekend without Wi-Fi. Felt pretty great after. I'd like to do more of that,” I added with a slight roll of my eyes, sensing the faint smugness in the room.
There was an uncomfortable silence, followed by the priest saying, "I must be getting to lunch." And with that the group disbanded.
Later I overheard a group of people comparing their shamans.
If the day wasn't weird enough already, here's what I overheard:
"My Shaman has done 50,000 ceremonies and his grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather invented ayahuasca."
"Tony Robbins did ayahuasca with my shaman."
"Mine is so devoted, he's literally become addicted to DMT."
There was an awkward pause, everyone eyeing the last speaker.
Later in the afternoon I saw a group of ordinary guys laughing so I sat down. I felt exhausted.
I grabbed the six pack of beer I'd brought in my small Yeti ice chest, cracked one open and held out the rest to the other men, "Go ahead. I won't drink them all."
They looked back and forth at each other.
"Dude are you kidding? You brought actual alcohol here? Nothing brings one to a lower level of consciousness like booze."
"The ad said BYOB! What do you mean?!" I huffed. I was beginning to have a headache.
They almost literally rolled on the floor laughing.
"Bring Your Own Beliefs dude!!! It's the COEXIST Conference!"
I didn't hide my annoyance. I got up to go and take a piss.
I can't stand these people. I've gotta get out of here. I thought as I opened the door to the bathroom.
"...yeah, like JP Sears," I heard as I entered.
"I love that guy!" I said instinctually, feeling relieved to finally know something about something people were talking about. The guy who had spoken was washing his hands as two others were pissing.
"I've been following him since one of his videos called my wife out for thinking $100 yoga pants made her more spiritual..." I stopped as I noticed the looks of the other men.
"I feel in integrity saying this because I would say this to his face. Fuck JP Sears. As I was saying when you walked up, I consider myself spiritual, not religious," said one guy.
"Same," said another.
"Absolutely. Honestly once I emancipated myself from the small-mindedness of religion, there was no turning back. You can't shrink your mind back down to that level. When JP became religious I lost all respect for him."
"Word," was all I could say in response.
I'm fucking out of here, I decided.
I was almost at the front door when I heard someone say, "Hey brother. You look new here."
The man looked, how can I say this, like he'd been through some shit. Grey hair down to his shoulders. A face that looked like one of those ancient red rocks in Moab. Eroded over millions of years by wind, rain and rapids. He looked South American but I couldn't put my finger on where exactly. He wore spiritual clothing similar to that of many of the others, but I knew he was different immediately by the lack of stick up his ass.
"Pisco?" he offered up the big bottle in his hand.
When I looked confused, he continued, "I saw those guys giving you shit for your beer. Don't you know alcohol isn't spiritual?” he grinned.
"Thanks, "I responded, "but I think I've had enough of this event. I'm out of here."
"Pretty funny, some of these guys are, huh?" he said.
"Yeah, it's like most of them are just trying to be good at doing these things rather than using them for their original purposes," I said.
"Like, for better relationships or a connection with something up there," he said pointing.
"Yes, or like they just want to be the most spiritual." I finished.
He laughed. "Yeah, well, they're right where they're supposed to be. We men all have some of that competitiveness in us in one way or the other. We're just well dressed chimps ya know?
"Anyway, I'm sorry you didn't get what you hoped for. Just remember, people at the extremes of anything are always annoying to other people not obsessed with that thing. Don't let them stop you from seeking.
"Ever tried these?" he asked, offering a small ziplock bag.
"No, but..."
"Take them in nature. Just remember to bring water."