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"Grandma, why're you always so happy?" the young lady asked. "People say you're enlightened or something. Mom says it wasn't always this way. What happened?"
"Oh love..." the older lady replied. She paused, her gaze momentarily drifting towards the ceiling as if the question had physically lifted her thoughts.
"Let me tell you a story. When your great grandpa died, my sisters, my best friends in the whole world, wanted to sell our family's farm against my dad's wishes. I wouldn't go along with it, preventing them from making the millions otherwise due to them. Neither of them spoke to me for years. I was coping with not only the loss of my dad, my hero, the one that had taught me to fish and to read the stars, but of the sisters with whom I had shared all of my highest highs and lowest lows. I became despondent and felt profoundly alone.
"Then one evening something inside of me broke.
The granddaughter reached over and placed her hand on top of her grandmothers.
"I had just spent hours sobbing," she continued. "I had cried so long my eyes were like hands that have been soaking in water for too long. My mind raced, and I became overwhelmed by the grief. As the pain reached a crescendo, I screamed a primordial scream.
She gave herself a calming breath and then said, "Something inside of me shifted. My breathing became deeper. And it was as if my heart had wrung out the last of my tears for the day. My sadness was replaced with a stillness that seemed to emanate from the deepest part of myself."
She paused to take a sip from her teacup. Her granddaughter sat motionless, absorbing every word.
"And then, miraculously, I thought, 'I love that about myself. I can be distraught and then still find peace.' Then I noticed that that was the first time I had spoken any semblance of kind words to myself in several months. I had a visual of being on stage in an auditorium. I was receiving a standing ovation from thousands of me's. All of this happened in the blink of an eye. It changed me forever.
"I decided I was done looking for what was wrong with myself and my life. I made a conscious decision to catch myself loving myself and loving my life. I was going on a recon mission, searching for moments of delight.
"I started to celebrate myself when I'd notice that I'd just stopped to watch the leaves blow across my driveway for a few moments. When I'd hear a jay sing, and imagine what she was saying. When I'd catch myself red-handed, having let go of judgment towards someone. I found appreciation in the smallest, most mundane things in my life. And I delighted in the ways I spoke. Ways I thought. Ways I moved through the world.
"But it wasn't all hunky-dory and apple pie skies. There were many challenging moments. We didn't have enough money. Never did really. You know your mom was in and out of the hospital constantly when she was a kid, and that was so scary. Many challenging moments.
"I learned to look for moments of gratitude, awe, beauty, and connection even in those times.
"And when I'd realize that I had just forgotten about my recon mission for days or months, I stopped berating myself for it. Instead, I'd throw myself a party in my head. 'I remembered!' I'd say. 'I'm here again! I'm alive! I love myself!'"
"Evolution only cares about our survival honey. It has no interest in our happiness. We have to train ourselves to be so."
Several moments of silence passed between them.
"Hmm I love that Grandma," the granddaughter I just noticed myself thinking, "Must be easy for Grandma who has always been so wise. Then I told myself, that's not true. This is something I can do too." Then I imagined myself surrounded by a football stadium full of cheering me's jumping up and down.
Inspired by many conversations with Annie Lalla who, outside of teaching me to be a better husband, father and son, has taught me so much about how to love myself and my life.
sweet story