what if you were more confident?

Purpose, Action, Experimentation

On a group call I led recently with past Soul Searching Adventures participants I gave some guys a short writing exercise: 

Finish the sentence: "If I was more confident I would..."

They wrote for a while, and then everyone shared what came up. One of the guys said that if he was more confident, he would leave his job of 17 years. He was making tons of money in the tech industry, but he wanted to do something he was more passionate about. "If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that I'd have a shitload of nickels!" BASEketball anyone?

Seriously, I have heard this from dozens, maybe hundreds of men at this point over the past 10 years.

I've known this man for years, and this wasn't the first time I’d heard him say that. So I asked him a couple questions.

First I asked: What's the impact of this on your life (i.e. knowing you don't want to be doing what you're doing, but not changing it)?

He said it probably affects everything. His relationship with his wife, his kids, his energy levels, his sense of purpose.

I acknowledged that the fear he’s feeling is real. He has a family and 4 children, and he’s the provider. He can't just quit tomorrow and take a year-long sabbatical in Bali for a year.

Then I asked him: Who would you be and how would your life be different if you found something that you were passionate about, something that was more aligned with who you are today?

"It would change everything."

This had been on his mind for years, but he hadn't done anything about it yet.

Another guy on the call chimed in and said, "Several years ago I was working in corporate America as well, and I felt exactly as you are describing. The thing that finally clicked for me was that I asked myself, 'If my daughter told me she was in the same position when she's the age I am right now, what would I want for her?' The answer was easy."

That same guy quit his job and went on to become one of the top business coaches in the world.

I wish I had a 4-step formula for going from not loving the work you do to doing something that helps people, that you're passionate about and that makes you millions of dollars.

I think the reality is that there are many more steps, and they’re different for different people.

WIth that said, I've learned from experience that there are two crucial steps that everyone must go through to get there.

1. Admit to yourself that you don't love what you do anymore. This can be a feat in and of itself. The more money you make, the longer you've been doing it, the more recognition and status you have because of this work, the harder it will be to even admit that you don't love what you do.

2. Do something about it that's not just reading, listening to podcasts, or taking courses. Sometimes those things can be helpful, but because it can be so scary to do something brand new, consuming content can become a crutch. You have to take action. Talk to people who are a step or two ahead of you. Experiment with different ideas. Go out into the wilderness and write. Create something small.

"Action is the antidote to anxiety." -Gavin De Becker

No one else is really paying attention to see if you're following your heart in life. Once you've admitted that it's time for you to move on, no one will ever come and check on you to make sure you've done anything about it. But you'll know. You'll always know.

At the end of the call, the guy said that he was finally feeling a sense of urgency.

I believe it's because he's seeing that his "one precious life" is on the line.

An invitation

The number-one thing guys come on trips with me for is to find more purpose in their lives. They’ve been “successful” in the traditional sense of the word—but these days, honestly, they don’t really care about the work they do. They yearn to do work that uses all of their unique capabilities, skills and interests and that also makes a difference for others. They also often discover that the feeling of purposefulness is much bigger than work.

I’ve found clarity by being deeply immersed in nature for a week, surrounded by great men. If you can relate to this and are ready to take action, I still have a couple spots to my next Soul Searching Adventure in March. Just respond directly to this email if you’re interested.