Are Your Judgments Just Decoys?
Ducks and Envy
I’m stoked to announce that my new podcast with my friend and mentor Annie Lalla, Matters of the Heart, launches this Tuesday.
If you’ve followed my work over the years, you already know how much I revere Annie. She’s had a profound impact on my marriage, my relationship with my children, and beyond.
I believe she could be the next Tony Robbins or Byron Katie. Much of her advice is counter-intuitive and challenges societal norms.
On this podcast I excavate her best emotional tools, relational models and edgy ideas.
These ideas will help listeners navigate romance, friendship, parents, children, and family dynamics. We’re tackling all the big issues like anger, shame, jealousy, intimacy, sexuality and how to build connections that last a lifetime.
So I’m calling in a favor from you to help our launch numbers & get off to a good start.
It’s very easy and will only take you 1 minute.
I know you’re busy but this would be such a contribution to me.
If you would do me this favor, I will feel deeply honored and cared for by you.
Step 1: Click here: LINK
Step 2: Listen to the entire 60 secs clip (must go to the end)
Step 3: Leave an inspired review that (hopefully) indicates you approve of this podcast
Step 4: Imagine a hug of gratitude from me.
Know that you just made a difference not just to me, but new listeners who’ve never heard of me, will be radically upgrading their relationship skills and creating the love they want.
Now, I want to share something with you that I’ve discovered. It’s one of the biggest obstacles in our relationships.
Growing up I occasionally went duck hunting with my grandpa. I remember standing in a duck blind just as the sun was coming up, freezing my balls off and wishing I was still in bed. Suddenly a few ducks would fly overhead and see the decoy ducks he’d planted in the water. Ducks, like humans, are swayed by social proof. They’d see the fake ducks down there and think, “that must be a pretty safe spot to chill if those fine gentlemen are down there.” They’d fly down, I’d shoot, and most likely miss.
Decoys draw the attention of the ducks towards them and away from the risk of predators. Like 9 year olds with shotguns. Just as the ducks are distracted from danger by the decoys, our minds distract us from feeling uncomfortable emotions.
My friend Bryce recently passed on a question from executive coach and investor, Joe Hudson:
“If I couldn’t judge, what would I have to feel right now?”
Answering this question led me to examine some of my own judgments more closely. For years I’ve diligently practiced letting go of my judgments.
Loved ones that make impulsive or (what I think are) immature decisions. Easy to let go.
Homeless people that seem not to help themselves at all. No big deal.
Even people that wrong me. Quickly doable.
But powerful people that treat others poorly… fuck em. I find myself consistently dripping with judgment for those people.
There’s one lady I know, for instance, who’s one of the most financially successful and influential people I’ve ever met. I see how she treats some others, and I despise her for it.
For the most part I’ve been able to remind myself of Charles Eisenstein’s thoughts on judgment and come back to a place of compassion for her.
When I turned Joe’s question toward my judgment of her, I uncovered something hidden. What I actually felt beneath my judgment was envy—envy for her creativity, confidence, success, and recognition. After more than 15 years of introspective work, envy still stings me. I’m afraid of feeling inadequate and less than, no matter how far I’ve come.
But emotions themselves are never the problem. It’s our fear and avoidance of them that is. Judgment blocks the flow of love, not only between us and others but within ourselves. When we set judgment aside, we’re left facing the very thing we’d been trying to avoid—and often, it’s exactly what we need to feel more alive. To become more of who we are.