Hey friend,
I write to you now as a dad of two! On August 23rd at 10:07pm Adee gave birth to a baby girl. Her name is Noa Chavanne Cazayoux. Our two year old, Shai, is handling it much better than we expected. He’s fascinated with her, wants to hold and kiss her, and has only slapped her face once so far. I’m so pumped to be a girl dad.
On to today’s topic…
Being Judgy
We trade untold amounts of connection with others for fleeting feelings of superiority.
Such as when I walked into a coffee shop the other day and noticed myself feeling sorry for the barista. "It must suck to be in your 30s and working at a coffee shop," I thought to myself. "I'm so glad that's not me."
"Wow, Michael you're a real piece of shit having that thought," another part of me thought.
For every time the phrases "I don't mean to be judgmental, but..." or "This might sound judgy..." are said aloud, they are experienced inside every one of us 1000x, 10000x more.
It's something we all do, all the time. Most of the time, we don't even know we're doing it.
On this day I knew I was doing it, and it didn't feel good. It didn't feel right. A couple of questions emerged from that 5 second experience in my head:
What is the value of becoming aware of our judgments of others?
and
What can we do once we're aware of them?
Separation
We don't judge because we are bad people. We judge because we are people.
Our judgments are just one of many strategies our egos have for creating separation (one of our ego’s primary functions is to create a sense of "I" that is separate from everything else).
When I judged the barista, I unconsciously placed myself on a pedestal above him and killed any curiosity and potential connection with this stranger. I created separation.
I used to think we shouldn't judge people because it wasn't nice to think or say bad things about people. That was incomplete.
We shouldn't judge people because doing so creates distance and lack of understanding which are the seeds of things like resentment, disdain, contempt, and outrage.
We should aim to become more aware of our judgments because doing so allows us to more easily connect with everyone from our spouse, to our parents, to the barista at our local coffee shop.
Our judgments of others are also often a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Awareness helps us see what we really think of ourselves and allows us to apply (hopefully) a little more tenderness and patience.
Forgetting
We judge because there's a part of us that thinks we know better. We would do better in their situation. Or even that we are better people than them.
In order to let go of judgment, this ^ is the bullshit we need to work on.
In his book, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible, Charles Eisenstein talks about judgment. "This is the essence of separation: If I were in the totality of your circumstances, I would do differently from you."
In other words, when we judge others, we believe that if we were in their shoes we would do differently.
I've come to believe that if I were born in another person's body, with their genes, having lived all of their life circumstances, I would believe and do EXACTLY as they do.
When I'm judging, I'm forgetting all of that.
And when I forget, I create separation.
In the rare moments I can pry my head out of the grips of my asshole to remember the truth, the judgment dissolves immediately, I'm present and in harmony with whoever I was just judging.
How can I remember this truth more consistently?
The longest meditation
Anyone that has ever meditated has probably heard some version of the phrase, "Any time you recognize you’re lost in thought just bring your attention back to your breath."
When I was first learning to meditate, for every 10 minutes I would meditate, 9.5 of those minutes were lost in thought. On a good day, I would notice that I was lost in thought once or twice. Then I’d shame myself for sucking at meditating.
Over many years I got better. Instead of once or twice, I would notice it a dozen times, and each time I would berate myself for wasting time and not being better at meditating.
At some point I learned an essential aspect of meditation: the goal isn't to have a completely still mind. The goal is just to notice what is.
What is going on in and outside of my body.
What is going on in my head.
I wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact, the more often I noticed I was lost in thought, the more aware I became. The more I noticed, the better I was doing.
So I started imagining receiving a standing ovation when I'd notice I was lost in thought. This led to exponentially more positive experiences meditating, and it taught me something very important about my life.
Life is like one long meditation session.
My intention in life (as in meditation) is to be as present as possible.
When I become lost in thought, on autopilot for days or weeks, or captured by judgment of others, all I have to do is notice it and I'm present again.
It's counterproductive to shame myself because that just creates MORE distraction from the present moment.
We don't choose our thoughts including our judgments of others. They just appear before us like a never ending a-social media feed, even more addicting than Tik Tok.
And the only way to turn it off is to realize that it's running.
Gifts of judgment
I judge people for what they wear, what they eat, what they do for work, how they speak, how they move, and decisions they make. I judge them for things they did a long time ago or things they want to do in the future.
I'm starting to view these moments of judgment as gifts from the universe. For every time I notice that I'm doing it, I am invited back into a state of interbeing , as Eisenstein calls it, with other human beings.
For the longest time I thought what I really wanted was for people to see me as being better than them. I thought that if they thought I was amazing and special they would accept me. They would like me. They would want to be my friend.
But I’ve discovered that what I’ve wanted all along, what I think we all want, is to be seen as we are in all our human messiness and imperfection. And to be accepted for that.
Not to feel superior, but connected.
A few more things I want to share with you
🥚One of the best short stories I've ever read: The Egg (h/t Zach Obront).
✌️The most important political perspective that I think everyone should read
🗣️A fascinating article on the relationship between language and our thoughts
👷An awesome take on finding and creating meaningful work: What if You Have It Backwards
One Ask
If you've been loving this newsletter, I would so appreciate it if you would share it with a friend or two. My intention is to make this email one of the best things you read all week. Just click below if someone comes to mind.
Have a wonderful weekend,
Michael
Thank you for sending this. About 5 minutes before I read this email I caught myself judging a coworker for taking the elevator up the 3 flights to our floor instead of the stairs and I thought 'oh what a lazy person, no wonder he's packed on a few pounds, I never take the elevator', and immediately felt such shame in the thought. Thank you for giving me another tool to help navigate through situations like these. Working on being a good human is hard work.
Congratulations to you and Adee on the arrival of your baby girl, two healthy children is such a wonderful gift.
I've noticed a similarity in judgement and 'coming back to your breath' when you get lost in your thoughts. I think the similarity is in noticing judgement and a need to come back to your breath is often met with a shame for having judged in the first place or having lost focus of your breath. I had a similar conversation with someone the other day about judgement, she said she doesn't judge others, which anyone who says that has got to be lying out their ass. It's reasonable and a part of human nature to judge. I think what we mean or want to mean when we say we don't judge others is that we don't judge others in ways that are unfair or unjust. We need some amount of judgement of others for safety purposes...to not if someone is trustworthy, lying, dangerous, violent, manipulative.
Enjoyed the thoughts.