she hasn't felt sadness in 35 years...
Consciousness, punching babies, and surrender
Hey friend,
Before we get started:
I released a podcast episode with Jason Nemer, the co-founder of AcroYoga. Acro is one of the most potent mind and body exercises I have ever done. Within 15 minutes my body felt like I had done a 60 min massage and my mind was deeply relaxed. In this episode we talk about Jason's prescription for a good life: movement, connection and play.
On to the Exhale...
In my last newsletter I wrote about how I shamed myself for some competitive thoughts I was having.
Recently I realized that I shame myself for way more than that. In general my self-talk is very positive, but I can be hyper critical of myself at times.
When I find a flaw, a defect of character, in myself I sometimes make myself out to be a monster because of it. Things that came up recently were:
I don't appreciate things in my life enough. My wife, my kid, the abundance I have in my life, etc.
I'm judgemental of others.
I'm self-centered
When I notice myself being these ways or having these thoughts I call myself a fraud, I think I'm a bad person, and worse.
The impact that these thoughts have on me is huge. I become tense, I'm distracted and disconnected, and I don't like myself.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm full of shit. Those thoughts are full of shit.
Our thoughts are not our own
Everyone has had the experience of doing one thing and being caught in their heads about something completely unrelated.
Having sex and then thinking about taxes.
Being in a conversation with someone and thinking about when you're going to workout tomorrow.
Reading at the beach and thinking about all the work you'll have to do when you return.
Most people I've talked to have also had the experience of having insane thoughts.
The thought to drive off a bridge, to stab yourself in the hand, to punch a baby, to spit in someone's face.
The thought just pops up into your head as if someone else put it there. There is zero belief that you SHOULD do that thing, but it pops up into your head anyway.
Sometimes this is scary because we often believe that whatever pops up into our heads is true.
Thoughts are all the same. We didn't choose for them to be there, and sometimes they are just as insane as the thought that you could punch a baby. Crazy.
Our thoughts formed by listening to our parents growing up. From media and other societal conditioning. From other past experiences and ways that we may never understand.
We do not choose what thoughts to have. They appear in consciousness like a movie playing in front of us.
The Work
Spiritual teachings have taught us to stop believing our thoughts for thousands of years. The Buddha taught about non-attachment, which includes letting go of our stressful thoughts. Lao-Tzu, author of the Tao Te Ching, says, "Stop thinking, and end your problems."
Michael Singer, modern spiritual teacher, says that the only important spiritual practice at all is "letting go of our stuff." "Stuff" being these random stressful thoughts that pop into our heads and keep us from being present.
The phrase, "Just let go" has never worked very well for me.
Several years ago I found a very tactical way of doing this called The Work, developed by Byron Katie.
The Work is a series of 4 questions that came to Byron during a spiritual awakening.
She was an alcoholic and addict at the time. She claims that since that day of beginning to practice The Work she has not suffered a single moment.
She has not felt sadness, fear, anger, or grief AT ALL because "[she] does not believe the thoughts that would cause those emotions."
She says she is open to them but they do not come. If she's only half telling the truth, that sounds pretty compelling.
Here's how The Work works:
Pick a stressful thought, then ask the 4 questions and "turn it around."
Example
I was on a walk with Adee and Shai the other day. For 10 minutes I was completely lost in thought and more or less seething. I
was thinking about an interaction I had just had with a woman in my life. I was telling myself "she doesn't respect me."
The idea popped into my mind to do The Work. Here are the questions and my answers:
Stressful thought - "She doesn't respect me."
Is it true? I don't know
Can I be absolutely certain that it's true? No
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? I get tense and become distracted. I tell myself nasty stories about her and judge her. It can leak into the rest of my day.
Who would I be without that thought? I would be on this walk right now with my wife and son. I would feel lighter and happier. I would feel more connected to this person.
Turnaround: (this means to invert the original statement as long as it is equally or more true than the original statement)
"She doesn't respect me" turns to "She does respect me" or "I don't respect her." I have evidence that both are equally or more true.
And boom. Just like that I let it go and enjoyed my walk.
That is the spiritual path to me - anything that gets me out of my head and into the present moment.
Caveat
There is a lesson in many of the negative thoughts I've been having about myself.
It is true that I haven't been appreciating some of the things in my life as much as I want.
It is true that I can be judgemental of others and self-centered.
Seeing how these are true, however slightly, allows me to grow. It motivates me to show gratitude for the things in my life, to have more compassion for others, and to be more generous with my thoughts and actions.
The Work, or any other form of letting go, is about letting go of the stress and self-destructiveness associated with the thoughts while retaining the gold if there is any.
Some other things I want to share this week:
A guiding principle
“Get scale based thinking out of love in action.” -Charles Eisenstein on The Aubrey Marcus Podcast.
Give generously and care less about how “big” of an impact it will
The opposite of the "speed reading" culture
“No, I don't want to "learn fast", in any subject. I don't want shortcuts. If I don't enjoy the subject, I don't want to learn it; and if I enjoy it, I want to prolong the pleasure. I avoid what exam-takers do: I trade speed for depth.” -Tweet by Nassim Taleb
A few pictures from the latest Soul Searching Adventure in Wyoming
Click here if you're interested in applying for a trip, or just send this email to someone you want to buy a trip for you for Christmas :)
Peace,
Michael